"11" in 2011

Here is another letter that the kids received from Anastasha yesterday:

Dear Ariana, Charis, Adoniyah, Amalyah, Corban,

Caelan, Cale, & Caius~

Guess what? I got to play with Gabriel again today.

He had another message of something amazing God had to say.

Tucked away in Mommy’s tummy safe, and cozy until the growing is done….

Are TWO new tiny, tiny souls…not just one.

Your Father in Heaven heard your hearts’ pleas for not one but TWO…

He says for you to WATCH closely now and see ALL He’s going to do!

God is mighty…the strongest ever in power and love.

He has given you my big brothers and sisters not one, but TWO amazing gifts from above.

I can feel your joy, hear your gratefulness, and rejoice in your excitement

At these TWO glorious miracles that God has sent…

I love you so very, very much,
Anastasha
xoxoxo

Isn't God good!!!

How We Told the Kids

A lot of you asked how we told the kids about the baby, so I thought I would share.

We drove to the cemetary on a sunny, but cold Saturday afternoon.  Snow was melting on the ground from the day before.  Tonya went there earlier in the day and had tied 10 helium balloons on Anastasha's headstone (and placed the letter there too).

When we pulled up and could see the balloons from the car, the kids were so excited.  I told them that maybe one of my patients had tied the balloons there for the kids since they knew they would love them.

When we got out to look closer, we "found" the letter.  We told them the kids to read it to see who the balloons were from.  Ariana (age 11) took it and started reading it.  As soon as she realized that it was written as being from Anastasha, she started sobbing.  I (Craig) held her (now crying too) and passed the letter to Charis (age 10).  He read the rest of the letter and stopped when he got to the "big sister" part and said, "Are you kidding me?".  When they all figured it out, the kids were SO excited.

Then we cut each of the balloons off and let each child write a message (or color a picture) with a sharpie marker.  Then they released their balloons to the sky.  Except for Cauis, who hung on to his balloon for dear life until he accidentally let go.

We are excited, as you can imagine.  But it is a strange dance of joy mixed with grief that is still fresh in our hearts.  God the Father has had us on a journey of surrender for the last 10 months or so.  We feel like this is a continuation of this journey.

We always give our baby in the womb an acronym - BIB (baby in belly), BIT (baby in tummy), BOW (baby on the way), BCS (baby coming soon), etc.  This one we are calling B.L.T., short for Baby Living in Tummy (or baby living in Texas!).

Letter from Heaven

My Sweet Brothers and Sisters--

Ariana, Charis, Adoniyah, Amalyah, Corban, Caelan, Cale, and Caius,

I can’t wait for you to see everything that God has put here….

To play with thousands and thousands and thousands of children, to feel God’s hug that is not far away anymore but so, so near.

I am laughing and playing on the roads of gold with a royal blue sky above and rainbow sparkle colors floating all around me.

Gabriel, God’s messenger angel, came to tell me he had a message and a gift for me to see.

I thought for a second that maybe one of you were coming to play with me,

But I knew only a very short time has gone by since I got here, so that could not be.

O guys, Gabriel is very big and so brave to carry messages for your Shepherd up here down there to you, His little sheep.

Just wait till you see Gabriel’s huge wings and Michael’s big, big sword that guards you from the devil and protects you guys when you sleep.

I saw Noah, David, Elijah, Sampson, Peter, Luke and Paul too.

They told me all the amazing stories about their lives that Daddy & Mommy read to you.

Ariana, Adoniyah, and Amalyah, I can’t wait to show you all the colors of pink diamonds here that sparkle and shine--

And the tiara that your King has for you, His princesses, just like mine!

Charis, Corban, & Caelan Jesus showed me the pretty, white snow and the fort-walls that you made.  I could see your smiles and hear your laughter below.

Wait till you see the snow we have here that is so soft and sparkly.  It makes the bestest snowballs, and Jesus even made one for me to hold.

I saw Cale and Caius licking their snow in cups…so, I licked mine too.

It is so yummy and sweet, and it made my tongue tickle.

When you come, I will give all mine to you.

Gabriel played on the slides and pushed till my feet could touch the clouds on the swings. 

My toes could feel them.  I touched them, and they are as soft as the angels’ wings!

The clouds tickled my toes.  They made me giggle.  Gabriel asked me if I knew what a big sister was—I said, “Yes!  I have three!”

He took a tiny gift from under his wing and sat it in my hand—a message from God.  What could it be?

I pulled the silky, golden ribbon so slow as Gabriel watched with a grin.

Inside was a note from God that said, “Anastasha, today you are the big sister!”  My eyes asked him, “When?”

Gabriel told me the most amazing way God put a tiny new soul in my Mommy’s tummy, and how He cares for the baby each day.

And that my big brothers and big sisters will hold the baby soon--and with them it will stay.

So rejoice my sweet brothers and sisters! 

Dance around like crazy! 

Shout for joy as loud as you can! 

He is giving your world a life to show His love

and to glorify His name again!

Gabriel said you guys would teach her all the big sister stuff since I am here, and God says you are the best ones for the task. 

The Holy Spirit will help too until we play hide-n-seek in Heaven and are together at last.

I am the big sister in Heaven—O, I am dancing and spinning round and round holding Gabriel’s hand.

Jesus wants me to tell Daddy and Mommy that like God’s love for them, His children’s praises will outnumber the stars and all the beaches’ grains of sand.

I am something new—the big sister now!

Tell of Gabriel’s message and tell of God’s sovereignty! 

Proclaim He is good in all things!

I am so grateful that God gave this gift to us!

From your lips may God’s heart for children ring!

So rejoice my sweet brothers and sisters! 

Dance around like crazy! 

Shout for joy as loud as you can! 

He is giving your world a life to show His love

and to glorify His name again!

I love you so much my big brothers and sisters,

Anastasha—the new BIG sister!

Grandma's Poem

Craig's mom wrote this sweet little poem that she sent on a Valentine's Day card to Anastasha:

Sweet Lil Lady of heavenly birth.

Your short life on earth (though too brief),

Is of infinite worth.

Kathleen DeLisi

Sorrow Is Better Than Laughter

Ecclesiates 7 states:

"A good name is better than fine perfume,

and the day of death better than the day birth.

 It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting,

for death is the destiny of every man;

the living should take this to heart.

 Sorrow is better than laughter,

because a sad face is good for the heart.

 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,

but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.

 It is better to heed a wise man's rebuke

than to listen to the songs of fools.

 Like the crackling of thorns under the pot,

so is the laughter of fools."

This verse penned by the wisest king in history, King Solomon, certainly flies in the face of the wisdom of our age.  For us, our happiness is often the highest virtue. We seek pleasure, fun, toys, "stuff".

But it appears the Lord sees things differently.  It seems He is more concerned with our humility and obedience more than our pride and happiness.

Trusting in Hard Times

Like anyone who is honest with themself, I have numerous opportunities daily to trust God.  Whether it is an encounter with a difficult patient or safety in travel, for as long as I can remember I have believed that "God is in control".  Being a parent allows for so many "extra" opportunities to trust Him.  Tonya and I have to trust the faithfulness of God's Holy Spirit to draw our children's heart toward Him.  We trust that in season we will see good fruit in their hearts and lives from our consistent discipline.  And, as the parents of 5 young boys, we have to trust (seems like daily) that they will literally survive another day. (I'm remembering as I type this that just TONIGHT, Cale (3) was going down our large wooden staircase riding...a sit-n-spin wrapped in a blanket...sheesh!).

As I've thought more about trust lately, I realize that it has never been particularly hard for me to trust God the Father.  I presume this is mainly because I've always known that He is Good and Loving.  But, if I'm honest, I must admit that the large majority of the time I am "trusting" Him for things when life is really going well...smoothly, if you will.  It isn't hard to trust Him when I don't have any real financial "needs" per se.  Or when all my kids are well.  Or when I drive a car that runs smoothly and the house is in good repair.  Or when I have a great job.  In fact, I'm really not sure how much I am trusting Him most of the time and how much I am running on "autopilot".

But what about when that is not the case?  As 21st century Americans, my family and I are beyond blessed.  We don't even know the meaning of the word "need"...we really don't.  But what about when our children are really, really sick (like when Ariana had leukemia)?  Or what about when they are given a terminal diagnosis and then die (like Anastasha)?  What does trust look like then?

Well, I realized the other day that trusting God, truly trusting Him, in hard times is....well, hard.  Really hard, in fact.  Suddenly I wonder if His goodness is really that good.  Or if His promises are true.  It is painful, almost physically, to really wrestle to that place of trust when life is hard.  To totally surrender to Him.  To really believe that "God is good" as we've proclaimed so many times.  But you know what?  He really IS still trustworthy and good. 

Even during the difficult times. 

Especially during the difficult times.

And whether or not we can trust Him during those times, I believe, is a test of what we TRULY BELIEVE.  But I can also say from experience that it is during the most difficult times that our trust in the Father is the most rewarding and satisfying.  Knowing that the One Who made the heavens and the earth is the same loving God who knows and controls every little detail of our life is simply awesome.  He is a trustworthy and good Daddy.

Three Months Later

Today marks the 3 month anniversary of the birth (earthly and heavenly) of our sweet Anastasha.  It many ways it feels like a very long time ago that we held her in our arms. 

 

So what does life look like for us three months later?  On the outside, it looks pretty normal.  We've resumed most of our "normal" activities - schooling the kids, homeschool co-op, Community Bible Study, piano.  But on the inside we're still grieving.  The tears come less often, but they still come.  The almost unbearable sadness is more bearable.  But we've been changed...all of us.  And I hope that the changes in our heart are of the type that will last until we meet our Savior (and our precious daughter) face to face.  Brokeness.  Humility.  Heavenly-mindedness.  These are characteristics that have been birthed through our pain.  And they are good.

 

Many of you have wondered about the children?  They still have spontaneous tears about losing their sister.  Sometimes there is uncontrollable sobbing, especially with Ariana and Niyah.  It comes randomly, when something triggers their love and longing for Anastasha.  For the other kids, there aren't as many tears, but they still talk about Anastasha like she is a member of our family.  Even little Cale (3) talks about "going to Haavin to see Ana-tasha" quite often.  Caelan (4) has become very concerned about Heaven/Hell (and which one he is going to!).  Corban (6) tells us that he wants "to go to Heaven when I'm still a kid because I want to play with God and grown ups don't play with God."  Charis wrote on a prayer request card at our church under the "praises" section that he was thankful that his sister Anastasha was in Heaven.  Tonya and I have been blessed by the children's simple faith these last few months.  Even though they are grieving in their own ways, it is tempered by the fact that they know their sister is in Heaven with Jesus. 

 

We still feel her absence daily.  Every time we sit down at the table to eat as a family and know that either Tonya or I would normally be doing our typical "juggling act" of holding a newborn while trying to get the other children fed.  Every time we get in the car to go somewhere, and it is a little bit too easy.  Every night when the kids all sleep through the night and we aren't being awoken every 3 hours to feed.  Every little newborn (especially girls) that I see in clinic remind me of how big she would be and what she would be doing.  All these "absences" point our hearts to the void of her presence.

 

This week was Adoniyah's birthday.  Anastasha was her "buddy", a privilege that we have been giving to the older children to help them pair up with a younger sibling.  Niyah's favorite number is 89 (don't ask why, but it has been for years).  We didn't realize it, but her birthday was exactly 89 days since Anastasha died.  Only the Lord could orchestrate that. 

 

We are still thankful for those of you who have been praying for us.  Please continue to as the Lord brings us to your mind.  Pray that the Lord will be our Comfort and source of strength.  And please pray that He will accomplish His purposes in our hearts and our lives.

 

We know that Anastasha is with her heavenly Daddy right now, Who loves her more than her earthly Daddy ever could.  And she is perfect.  There is so much peace and thankfulness in our hearts because of that.  And we know that the joy of Heaven for believers will be the presence of our Lord.  But we also are thankful that we will see her sweet face one day.

 

Blessings to you all.

 

Craig and Tonya

A Poem From Mommy

Fading...Heartbeat

Broken...Wholeness

Sorrowful...Joy

Calm...Fight

Silent...Communion

Relentless...Surrender

Devoted...Willingness

Sacrificial...Offering

Redeemed...Soul

Eternal...Hope

Resurrected...Life

Glorious...Light

Forever...Home

Why Does it Hurt More at Christmas?

I was surprised by the fact that Christmas was harder for Tonya and I, from a grief standpoint, than a "regular" day.  I certainly understand why that is the case for people who lose loved ones, especially children, with whom they have shared previous Christmases.  They have memories that probably make things harder.  But that wasn't the case for us as we were never given that blessing.  So I didn't think we would feel any differently on Christmas than we would any other day.  But we did.  It hurt more.

Maybe it was because there was a stocking hung on our mantle with Anastasha's name on it, but it remained empty.  Or maybe it was because we baked her a birthday cake for Jesus too (all the kids make one), even though she wouldn't get to lick the frosting.  Or maybe because we couldn't tie a little Christmas bow on her head like I've seen on so many cute little baby girl patients of mine in recent weeks.

I'm not really sure why, but I suspect the main reason is because, for us, Christmas is such a "huddling up" time as a family.  We really try to minimize outside distractions and, for a least a few days, spend some very good quality time...as a family.

Yet this year there was a void...her void.  Yes, I know we have 8 other children.  That should be enough, right?  It isn't a numbers thing.  We are of course so blessed with the living children that we have.  I often tell Tonya that she has made me richer than a king because of them.  It is just that one that we love deeply isn't with us, and we desperately wish she was.

Christmas is, first and foremost, a time to remember Christ's incarnation and look forward to His second coming.  And we did both...with joy.  But is also such a sweet time of family fellowship - tender, giving, selfless, and innocent.  And to do it for the first time as an "incomplete" family was just plain hard.

We visited the cemetery where our baby girl is buried.  I kissed her cold, hard headstone and said "Merry Christmas" with tears in my eyes.  The kids wondered how or if Christmas is celebrated in heaven.  I suspect it isn't, but I also know that everyday there is more glorious than we can ever imagine. 

May Jesus return again soon.  Come, Lord Jesus.

A Letter From Big Brother At Christmas

Charis wrote this sweet little note to Anastasha and put it in her stocking.  It has been neat for Tonya and I to see the children, with their simple faith, grab hold of the reality of heaven.  And the result of that is great peace, and even joy that they know where their sister is right now and, more importantly, Who she is with right now. 



He Never Dropped the Leash

The Book of Job has been a family favorite of our for years.  It has taken on even greater meaning this year as we've walked through our own great trial.

We were delighted when we discovered that our favorite Bible teacher, John Piper, wrote an illustrated poem on the Book of Job.  We were blessed by it.  You can find some excerpts under the section of this blog called Precious Quotes. 

Below is a portion of the forward of the book.  It describes God's role in our human suffering.  Piper eloquently expresses that regardless of who the afflicter is in any given situation (Satan or God), that God is ultimately responsible and, therefore, in control.  As a result we can trust in His Omnipotence and Goodness.  We pray that whatever difficult situation you are in, you will find comfort in knowing that God is in ultimate control.

"It is a great sadness when suffers seek relief by sparing God his sovereignty over pain.  The sadness is that this undercuts the very hope it aims to create.  When all forty-two chapters of the book of Job are said and done, the inspired author leaves us with an unshakable and undoubted fact: God governs all the things for his good purposes. 

The text says Job's brothers and sisters 'comforted him for all the evil that the Lord had brought upon him' (Job 42:11).  This is the author speaking, not a misguided character in the drama.  Whatever Satan's liberty in unleashing calamity upon us, God never drops the leash that binds his neck.

Jesus' brother James rounds out the picture with his interpretations: 'You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful' (James 5:11).  In other words, the Lord is sovereign, and the Lord is sweet.

Pain and loss are bitter providences.  Who has lived long in this world of woe without weeping, sometimes until the head throbs and there are no more tears to lubricate the convulsing of our amputated love?  But O, the folly of trying to lighten the ship of suffering by throwing God's goverance overboard.  The very thing the tilting ship needs in the storm is the ballast of God's good sovereignty, not the unburdening of deep and precious truth.  What makes the crush of calamity sufferable is not that God shares our shock, but that his bitter providences are laden with the bounty of love.

I have written for sufferers. I pray that you will be helped to endure till healing, or to die well.  One who suffered more than most wrote: 'To live is Christ and to die is gain' (Phil 1:21).  Which of these will be our portion, God himself will decide. 'If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that' (James 4:15).

The great purpose of this life is not to stay alive, but to magnify - whether by life or by death - the One who created us and died for us and lives as Lord of all forever, Jesus Christ.  I pray that his sovereign goodness will sustain you in the unyielding joy of hope through every flame of pain and flood of fear."

One Month

Today marks the one month anniversary of Anastasha's birth and death.  She is gone.  We're still here.  And we hate that.  There are many days that we wish we weren't here either and that Jesus would return to take all of us who are in Christ with Him and end all pain and suffering once and for all.  But He tarries, so we wait...

In the month since we said good-bye to Anastasha, we have:

• laid her body to rest in the ground
• enjoyed special time with numerous precious family and friends
• received her social security card in the mail
• returned to work (Craig)
• returned to the same Labor and Delivery to be with friends who were having their first daughter
• went to Tonya's postpartum checkup (first time back to the place of "life" 5 times for us)
• resumed homeschooling (Tonya)
• signed Anastasha’s death certificate as the physician of record (Craig)
• rejoiced in the births of FIVE babies born to local friends in the last month
• cried daily
• read to the kids more, played more kickball with them, and hugged them more tightly

So how are we doing one month later?  We're hurting.  We're sad.  We're emotionally spent.  We don't have the energy to put on a happy face and "pretend" to others that all is well.  If our journey with Anastasha was a marathon, and the days and weeks leading up to her death were the "kick" at the end, then we are in the cool down period right now.  And neither of us has the energy to sprint, or even to jog.  We aren't crumbling.  By God's grace we are standing up under the pain.  But all isn't well.  Our daughter is dead.  We can't hold her or kiss her.  We can't watch her grow up.  We know she is with the Lord.  But to be truthful, we want her here with us.

As the colorful life of summer gives way to the dreary death of winter, so it is in our hearts.  The world seems a bit duller.  Things that are usually attractive and appealing have lost their shine.  And I don't mean that in a depressed, anhedonic sort of way.  I mean that in a "seeing-things-for-what-they-really-are" sort of way.  Money, "stuff", sports, achievements - its all gonna burn someday.  The truth is that this world is temporary.  We were made for another home...a heavenly one.  And the things we often run around chasing in this world by and large have very little meaning or purpose for that home that is to come.  What matters is what will last - the lives we impact for God.  And most importantly, how we love Him while we are here.  Because when the day comes that He calls our name, none of that other stuff will matter.  He won't ask us what car we drove, how much money was still in our bank account, or what degrees we earned.  He'll ask us how we responded to His Son.  That's all that will matter, and the day is coming for each of us sooner than we realize.

Yesterday at Thanksgiving, there was an obvious absence in our home and at our “table”.  We felt great thankfulness for Anastasha, but at the same time this feeling was almost overshadowed by grief that she isn’t here with us.  There is a void there, one that I suspect will never be truly filled this side of heaven.

Grief is a process that looks different for everyone.  It looks different for Tonya than it does for me.  God is present in our grief, guiding us through the journey with this unwanted guest in our lives.  But we won't rush it.  We couldn't if we wanted to.  We are determined to let the Lord lovingly take our hands and lead us through this to the other side, in His timing.  And we desperately want to emerge on the other side more like Christ than when we started.

God is still good.  Christ still reigns. 

It is well with our souls.  We’re pressing in to Him.  We’re still trusting.  We’re still hoping in His unfailing love. 

But we hurt.  A lot.

Created to be Loved

A dear friend of mine from medical school emailed me a portion of his journal from the day of Anastasha's birth.  It rings of truth and blessed me tremendously.  He gave me permission to share it.  I hope it will be a blessing to you and help you see what not only Anastasha's purpose here on earth was, but what yours is as well.

 

"Praise God for all things, even for those things beyond our understanding that work for His glory!  We understand such a small fraction of His greatness, His plan, His universe, yet He knows each of us intimately.  Why are we made so limited, so inadequate for the tasks that seem laid before us?  Or do we have it wrong?

 

        Have we as a people misjudged our task, our purpose?  Are we here (and fully equipped) to simply love God, and worship Him?  Why then, are we saddled wth reason?  Why do we have the capacity to even realize how limited we truly are, how little we understand?

 

        October 26th, 2010, at 1239 CDT, a minister was born, a "prophetess," maybe.  Her name is Anastasha Kalil DeLisi, and she lived for 50 minutes.  She had anencephaly.  Her parents, our good friends from long ago, Craig and Tonya DeLisi, carried her to term and chose that 9 months and 50 minutes of life for her.

 

        I feel ministered to by her already. She, the "least of these," sends a profound message that all God's children are equal in value.  Her parents' witness, to do something "countercultural," "tore the veil" on what we often think reality is to see God's reality.  We should celebrate life ALL THE TIME, but celebrate it as a precious gift in an open palm. 

 

        That, as beautiful as it is, is not the most radical message that this tiny miracle shows us.  She makes our mission crystal clear.  We each have a purpose here on earth, all of us, for whatever time we are here.  As Anastasha shows us, maybe it has nothing to do with our abilities, our well intentioned ministries, or ANYTHING that neatly fits into the construct of western thought, or even superficial Christian doctrine.  It may not even be to "love Him" in the terms as we define love.

 

        It is to RECEIVE GRACE, freely, without pride, without pre-supposition of worth, but to be objects, recipients of the perfect, everlasting love of the Almighty God through Jesus Christ His Son.  ALL can receive, none is inadequate for this task.  Anastasha is an incarnational reminder of the ONLY thing that is important.  To be loved by HIM.  She was unable to let her will get in the way of His love, unable to rest on her gifts as they would be defined by our society.  All of the unimportant things were stripped away in her, and what was left was that which was necessary to be an object of that precious gift of God's love - her soul.

 

        God bless my friends for being her parents.  Only they were up to this monumental task, in His strength.

 

        God, thank you for Anastasha.  She is showing the way to us all.  Many would define her as less, or last, but we know she is so much more. 

 

        Matthew 19:30 "But many who are first will be last, and the last first."  She stands first among us today, complete in the resurrection, an object of God's love."

Ripples in a Pond

Here is the video clip of the announcement Tonya and I made to the children that she was pregnant (on March 1, 2010).  It is a sweet video that shows how excited they were about a new sibling.

Below the video is the poem that Tonya wrote to tell me that she was pregnant.  She gave me 9 stones with the poem, each one representing the life of one of our children.  We believe that each of their lives were cast in the "pond" of the world by God, with the purpose of making eternal ripples for Him.

It seems that God was preparing our hearts for what was to come before we even knew about Anastasha's diagnosis.

My Abba Father,

Rejoice!  Rejoice!  I rejoice!

For You Lord promise only good to me

And assure Your will is not to harm me.

You promise to give me hope and a future.

You cannot tell a lie.

Your Word is Truth.

You are my Abba, Father.

In your lap Daddy, I lay my heart.

You protect me from what I cannot see.

You prepare me only for Your best.

Help me resist the lies bombarding around…

Promising what looks good

Yet only giving peace for a fleeting moment.

The lies cannot satisfy.

Only Your will can satisfy me.

You alone bring nourishment.

You give whole healing.

You pursue me even though I hide.

You love me for who I am in You.

You give yourself for me to know You more.

What You think about me is Truth.

What You feel about me is unwavering.

What You desire me to be is only of You.

A life created inside me in Your image.

Like a tiny stone…

Tossed into a smooth lake.

The single ripple starts out small…

And yet, the entire lake is transformed...

Forever reflecting the beauty of Christ

Rejoice!  Rejoice!  I rejoice!

For You Lord promise only good to me

And assure Your will is not to harm me.

You promise to give me hope and a future.

You cannot tell a lie.

Your Word is Truth

Heal my unbelief Daddy.

Guide me on paths of righteousness…

That I may trust You.

That I may believe this life is given

Simply to radiate Your love.

Heaven or Hell?

I wanted to post a few pictures of Anastasha's tombstone/monument.  Tonya a I spent quite some time on its design and the wording on it.  Even though we know that it is just an external, temporary marker for where our daughter's body lay, even her little body is so precious to us that we wanted to mark it with something meaningful. 

Front

Front Close Up

Back Close Up

I wanted to relay a conversation I was in the middle of during Anastasha's burial at the cemetary.  This was while the reverend was praying and reading Scripture.

It was a BEAUTIFUL day outside - sunny, wind blowing, harp music being played.  Cale (3 years old) is sitting on my right, Caelan (4 1/2 years old) on my left (very strategic...that was for "containment").

Cale  - "Daddy, is this Heaven?"

Dad (thinking, "awww, that is so sweet..") - "No buddy.  This isn't heav..."

Caelan (interupting from across my lap...and very matter-of-factly) - "No....This is hell!"

I wasn't sure what do say or do, other than laugh.  In some ways, it felt like a bit of both.

Nine Days Later...

It has been nine days since our precious Anastasha was born and went to be with Jesus, and five days since we laid her sweet body in the ground.  The days that have followed have been filled with tremendous grief, but also with joy and peace.

Anastasha's birth was an amazing experience.  The Lord answered so many specific prayers regarding the labor and delivery itself - to be on Tonya's birthday, that Tonya could deliver naturally, that our OB would be in town, that she would be 6 cm dilated when we got there, that her labor would be her shortest (and it was only 2 hours), that her water would stay intact until the end.  All of these were answered perfectly.  And the Lord also saw it fit to answer my prayer that she would be born alive.  Amazingly, even though she never took a breath, her heart beat for 50 minutes before her peaceful passing.  Tonya, the kids, and I each got to hold her in our arms while she was on this side of heaven.  That was a precious gift to us.

Her funeral was also an awesome time for our family.  We were able to worship the Lord with family and friends from all over the country.  The funeral message delivered by her godfather and our dear friend, Michael Gaertner, felt like it was spoken from the mouth of God to our very ears.  We were overwhelmed with the love from our community here, as well as all of those who traveled to be with us.

Parting with Anastasha (both at the hospital and at the graveside) was the hardest thing I think Tonya and I have ever done.  We obviously know that it was just her fragile body that we walked away from both times, but it was excrutiating to do so.  We grieve, but we do so with hope because of Jesus.  Because of Him, we hope in the resurrection, and we know that our princess is in the Presence of the King.

As a family we are doing well, but we are obviously hurting quite deeply.  It is a terrible feeling not having a newborn to rock to sleep and to nurse, and to know that we will not get to raise her in our home.  I don't think we'll ever fully recover from that.  The children seem to be doing very well, even the older ones.  Tonya, as you would expect, is hurting the most.  Please continue to pray for her most of all.

Moving forward I will use this new website to enter new pictures as they come, as well as to record future thoughts as we continue our journey with the Lord.  The hardest part is behind us now, but we are far from being out of the valley. 
 

Thank each of you for your love and encouragement along the journey.  We are grateful for each of your lives and contribution to ours.

May our Lord bless each of you.

Craig, Tonya, Ariana, Charis, Adoniyah, Amalyah, Corban, Caelan, Cale, Caius, and our precious Anastasha

The Memorial Video and Slideshow

The video and slideshow presentation of the Life and Birth of Anastasha Kalil DeLisi, as presented October 30th, 2010 at First Baptist Church in Pittsburg, Texas.

Click here to watch the entire 18 minute video & slideshow (with ads)

Click here to watch it in 6 parts (ads-free, number 5 is her birth and life)

Click on the video below to watch one small portion of it (Birth and Life) directly

Funeral Message

The funeral message as delivered by Dr. Michael Gaertner, October 30th, 2010 at First Baptist Church in Pittsburg, Texas.

If you don't read or look at anything else on this blog, PLEASE listen to this message. It was incredible.

Click here to listen (or download mp3 here). You will be richly blessed.

Anastasha Kalil DeLisi - October 26th, 2010

Our sweet princess was born yesterday at 12:39 PM. I pronounced her earthly death (and heavenly birth) at 1:29 PM. Her passing was very peaceful.

It was the best labor Tonya has ever had. We saw the Lord answer specific prayer after prayer after prayer. It was remarkable. Tonya said Anastasha was the best birthday present she could have hoped for.

Tonya, the kids and I spent several hours with Anastasha after her death. Yesterday was one of the most profoundly painful and profoundly peaceful days we've ever had.

Tonya and I are home. She is recuperating well. She was able to labor completely naturally, which was a blessing and always seems to allow her get better more quickly.

Her funeral will be this coming Saturday, Oct 30st at 11 AM at First Baptist Church in Pittsburg. We invite ANY and ALL who would like to come to attend. We would be honored to have anyone who reads this to come celebrate with us.

In lieu of flowers or gifts, we would be blessed if you would consider making a contribution to Harvesters Reaching the Nations, a nonprofit ministry that serves orphans in Sudan. This is a wonderful work of the Lord that our family is blessed to be a part of. Click here to watch an endorsement by Franklin Graham. To give, you can go to this web page and put Anastasha's name at the bottom where it says "in honor of". The money you give will be used not just to bless us, but to advance God’s kingdom in Sudan by caring for and blessing some very precious children, whom we love.

We love you and thank you for praying for us. More details and pictures to follow in the days ahead.

Craig

Here We Go (October 25, 2010)

Tonya cervix is about 3 cm now. Sometime in the wee hours of this morning (prob around 5) she will take a dose of Cytotec to try to induce labor. We have an induction scheduled at 10 AM. We may be going in sooner depending on how effectively it works.

We were at the same hospital earlier today visiting a friend who just had a C-section. It was really eerie walking past L&D, knowing that just hours from now we will be in that same place and will be experiencing the greatest pain we've ever known. I am thankful that our Savior had similar anguish the night before he was crucified, and yet completely trusted His Father (and was without sin).

The "tomorrow" that we have been dreading/fearing/anticipating has finally come. In just hours, it will be our "today". Pray that we (Tonya, me and the kids) will trust Him to be the Lord of not only tomorrow, but of TODAY. Our hearts are heavy, but there is joy as well. Fear, sadness, excitement, relief..all bundled up together.

Pray that our faith would be increased and that we would not fear. We are expecting our God to show Himself mighty to save for all of us tomorrow. He is a GREAT DADDY and so good to us.

Thank you for loving us and walking this broken road with us. We are so blessed by the Bride of Christ...YOU!

Craig and Tonya

Unto the End (Day of Life 253)

Loved ones.

We are near the end of Tonya's pregnancy, very grateful that we have had as much time as we have been given. If Anastasha does not come on her own (and she might - Tonya has been contracting regularly), then we will induce labor this coming Tuesday, Oct 26th. Not only will that date mark the longest Tonya has carried any of our other children in the womb, but it is also Tonya's birthday. She has said from the beginning that she would be so honored to share that day with her daughter if the Lord would allow.

We trust our great God and Father wholeheartedly as we move forward. We are honored that he called us to be Anastasha’s parents. We find rest in the fact that He is Good no matter what may come. If the Lord chooses for her to return to Him, then we will be celebrating God's goodness with a memorial service next Saturday, Oct 30th at the First Baptist Church here in Pittsburg.

There is not much I haven't said already. If you can believe it, I think I am out of words. But I do want to thank each of you who have journeyed with us, from both near and far. Please pray for us in the coming days, especially on Tuesday.

Tonya wanted me to end with this excerpt from Mary’s song from the Gospel of Luke when she was told she was going to bear Jesus as her son:

And Mary said:
"My soul glorifies the Lord
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is his name.
His mercy extends to those who fear him,
from generation to generation.
He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
He has helped his servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
to Abraham and his descendants forever,
even as he said to our fathers."

With all our love,

Craig and Tonya for the whole darn big crew :)

Troubled (Day of Life 241)

Tonya is 36 weeks pregnant today. That is further along than she carried Amalyah, Cale, or Caius. We both assumed that Anastasha would have been born by now, but the Lord apparently has other plans. We are at 2 cm and holding. So we wait...

Throughout this pregnancy, I've been particularly drawn to read about how Jesus himself handled trial and suffering. What did His emotions look like? Was He stoic or emotionless? Did he stand above the emotional roller coaster that many people experience during trials? How did He relate to His Father during these trials? I know He did not sin in these times, so I am particularly curious what the range of His emotions were.

“He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” he said to them. Mark 14:33-34 (Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane)

“Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? No, it was for this very reason I came into this hour. Father, glorify your name!” John 12:27-28 (Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane)

“When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.” John 11:33 (Jesus at the tomb of Lazarus)


In these three accounts, it mentions that Jesus was "troubled". All three times this phrase is translated from the Greek word "tarasso". A Greek dictionary translates this word as "to disturb, disquiet in body or spirit, to make anxious". Hmmm, so our Lord was disturbed and maybe somewhat anxious? It does seem like He was in each account, especially in Gethsemane. What a wonderfully human emotion that the Creator of all things Himself experienced. I am so thankful that we have a God who is not some distant deity, who set the world in motion and then watched history unfold from afar. Instead we have a God who took on our humanity WITH US, and as a result, can empathize with us perfectly in any given trial.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin.” Hebrews 4:15

It is almost blasphemous to compare what we are feeling right now to how our Lord felt in the garden the night before his betrayal and crucifixion. But Tonya and I do most certainly feel "tarasso". It isn't purely fear, because we trust in God's sovereignty. It isn't purely doubt, because we have faith in His goodness and love. And it isn't completely disturbed because we do have peace. But our hearts are heavy for what lies ahead. And so was Jesus’.

It is also important, though, to look at how he responded to his distress in the garden…

"Abba, Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will." Mark 14:36

He acknowledged God’s unlimited power, knowing He can do all things, including deliver Him from that trial. He told God the desire of His own heart. But, and this is the clincher, He willfully submitted His will to that of His loving Father because He trusted that His Abba knew what was best. That pretty much sums up where we are right now –believing…asking…submitting…trusting…

We are learning even more now to let God be our "God of the present moment". Living in "tomorrow" is painful and doesn't come with the grace that "today" does. However, I am so thankful that God, Who sees the end of a thing from its beginning, is already in our tomorrow (and the next day, and the next day...). That gives us peace.

So please pray for us that we won't be consumed about how this will all end. How will we handle her death if it comes? How will the children handle it? Will the funeral honor the Lord? So many unknowns. We don't have the grace for these things because we aren't there yet. But today? Yes, we have the grace for today. With God's help, we can get up today and make it through until "tomorrow" becomes the next "today". Pray that we will live in each moment with Him.

This will almost certainly be the last email I send before Anastasha comes.

Craig and Tonya

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you with me that you may also be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” John 14:1-4

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

Niyah reading Anastasha a book