It has been six months today since we held our youngest daughter in our arms. And just as long that she has been with our Savior. I am thankful that our memories of her are still vivid. The pain is still present, but more like a dull ache now than a sharp, suffocating pain.
Several times a day we see her sweet face on the picture above Tonya's side of the bed. I gaze frequently at the photo on my nightstand of her in her mother's arms. Occasionally we snuggle with the blanket she was wrapped in immediately after birth that still smells like her. We visit her grave often. We talk about her daily with the children and bless her as a family every night before bed. Every remembrance is with thankfulness for her life but sadness that we don't get to share our life here with her.
We imagine what she'd be like as a little brown haired, blue-eyed, six month old cutie. She be starting to sit by herself. We would be feeding her baby food soon. She'd probably be very petite like her older sisters and brothers at that age. Her cheeks would be constantly wet from drool and kisses. We would just have celebrated our first Easter with her and would be preparing for her first Mother's Day. She'd hardly ever be put down by her siblings. And Tonya and I would be a lot more tired from the demands of an infant than we are now.
Oh Lord, how we wish we were more tired.
Oh Lord, how we wish we were more tired.
It is a strange journey for us mourning a life that we never knew. In reality we grieve something that never was meant to be - her life on earth. The truth is that she was not created to be long in this world. God created her to live here briefly, touch our lives deeply, and then worship Him forever.
But we are so blessed and honored to be the vessels that the Lord chose to bring her forth, to give her life. Every time that I hear worship songs that describe worship of God in Heaven, I cry thinking about her little voice joining with those of the angels and saints who have gone before. I feel like part of us is there with her before the throne of the King.
We are obviously very excited about the twins coming. We feel blessed and overwhelmed that the Father would give us this gift, especially so soon after we gave our daughter back to Him. He is such a good Daddy. But we don't feel in any way like these lives "replace" Anastasha. I don't think we are getting this "double blessing" because we lost her, as many have lovingly suggested. We will love these two new babies deeply and joyfully, but they will not be Anastasha. Her place in our heart is permanent, as is her absence.
Heaven seems more real to us because of Anastasha. Our redemption through Jesus' death and suffering means more. The Resurrection seems more real. So does the brevity of this life. We long for His return more now than we ever have before. May it be soon - Come Lord Jesus!
The twins at 15 weeks - they're already roomies!
