Precious in His Sight

Anastasha Funeral Slide Show

2012-12-21T02:22:00.000-08:00

Anastasha's funeral was one year ago today. Here is a brief slide show to commemorate that time.

Anastasha Slideshow

2012-12-20T14:10:00.000-08:00

For those of you who haven't seen it, this is the full length slide show that was shown at her memorial service. I pray it is a blessing to you.

What is Life?

2012-01-22T21:20:00.000-08:00

I had the honor of preaching at our church in honor of National Sanctity of Life Sunday this year. Among other things I shared publicly for the first time about our journey with Anastasha. It was difficult and very emotional. If you are interested in watching, the link to the sermon is here.

Twin Pictures update

2012-01-22T21:17:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted anything in a while. I suppose the twins have knocked us off our game a bit more than I anticipated. They are both 4 months old, so I have some catching up to do. I'll post the pictures chronologically.

Bella aka "Bellini" aka "Bellerina" aka "Sugar Bear" aka "Bella Bella Stinkerella"

Caleb aka "K-love" aka "Chunk"

The Dynamic Duo

Anastasha - One Year Later

2011-10-26T20:54:00.000-07:00

We celebrated Anastasha's 1st/Tonya's 37th birthday this week. As you might expect, it was a bittersweet day. We looked back with fondness on the gift of Anastasha's life. But there was also a heaviness in realizing that she has been gone from us for an entire year. The memory of her life is still very vivid, as is the memory of her loss.

The day began with the kids making Tonya breakfast (which is a tradition we've done for years). This time, instead of bringing it to her in bed, we brought it to the nursery, which is where Mommy has spent most of her free time these days...nursing the twins.

We gave Tonya her presents, which included a pendant that I bought her that has an engraving of a Anastasha's actual footprints.

From 12:39 PM till 1:29PM (the 50 minutes that she was alive), we all sat in the living room together as a family. We prayed together, thanking God for the gift He gave us in Anastasha. The kids then read cards and poems that they wrote for her. After this time was over, we went outside and planted two Magnolia trees in Anastasha's honor.

Later that evening, we went to the cemetery to visit Anastasha's grave. The girls made her a birthday cake, which we brought with us and ate there. We sang "Happy Birthday" to her.

Finally, we brought and released some paper lanterns (like from the movie "Tangled"). The kids enjoyed this better than balloons. We couldn't believe that it actually worked! You can watch a short video of it below.

Overall the day was a blessing...filled with smiles and laughs and plenty of tears. We are so thankful to our Father for our sweet little princess. We can't believe she has been gone for a year already. But we are so glad that she has spent every moment of that time in the Presence of the King.

Letters to Anastasha on Her Birthday

2011-10-26T14:31:00.000-07:00

My Sweet Anastasha...

I can’t believe it has been a whole year already since you werewith us. This year has brought aboutmany changes in my life, but my love for you has not been one of the thingsthat has changed. It has remainedconstant and strong.

I think of you so often, my little love. Every morning when I wake up, I see yourbeautiful face in a picture above your mother on her side of the bed. I think of you when I see one of my severalpatients who are your same age. And mostrecently, I think of you when I hold your baby sister, Anabella, in myarms. Oh how I love you and miss you so.

There are sounds of new life in our house again these days. Anabella and Caleb are a sweet fragrance tous, a gift from our Good Father. Andwhile they are a great double blessing, they do not replace you in ourhearts. There is still a spot reservedfor you there. Your absence is stillfelt in daily ways at our house.

Your mother and brothers and sisters love you so much even thoughthey never really knew you. You arestill talked about like a living, breathing member of our family. I bless you each night as I bless the otherchildren. If I ever slip up and say weonly have ten children, I am quickly corrected (usually by 3 or 4 kids at once)that we in fact have 11.

I think what has made your loss most bearable to me is knowingwhere you are and Who you are with. Iknow you are with a Daddy Who loves you much more and can love you much betterthan I ever could. For that I am sograteful.

Your life has mattered here...a lot. I still meet people who tell me how youimpacted them. There is even a young manwho may be in the Kingdom someday because of you. And your life has mattered to me. I have known greater fellowship with Daddybecause of you. I love Jesus morebecause of you. And I long for Heaven inways that I never have before.

So on this first “birthday”, my precious Anastasha, please knowthat you are loved immeasurably here. Iwish I could hold your little body in my arms again. I wish I could smell you and kiss yourcheeks. I wish I could watch your littlelegs carrying you, stumbling across the floor. I wish I could hear your sweet giggle. But I know that someday we will embrace again, this time with perfectbodies. And we will walk together in HisKingdom that has no end, singing of His Goodness forever. You may have beat me there, but I’ll be theresoon.

I love you my precious one.

Your Daddy

A Poem from Amalyah:

A Poem from Ariana:

A Note from Charis:

A Card from Corban:

A Picture from Caelan:

A Note from Niyah:

Introducing the Twins!!!!

2011-09-23T21:37:00.000-07:00

Anabella Tonya and Caleb Martin DeLisi!!!!

We are very excited to introduce our new son and daughter, born on 9-10-11 (the day Tonya was hoping for – since we went from 9 kids, to 10 and 11). The birth was a both a great blessing and the most difficult that we have ever had. It was the easiest labor that Tonya has ever had, and it was a joy to see the twins born. Anabella came out relatively easy, despite being "sunny side up". When she came out, Caleb flipped from transverse (sideways) to breech (feet first) and was delivered vaginally. If you have never seen a vaginal breech deliver, consider yourself fortunate. Our OB was very skilled and did a great job, but that was absolutely the roughest looking delivery I have ever seen. There is a reason that breech babies aren't delivered that way routinely. :)

Anabella Tonya was born at 10:35 AM and weighed 4# 12oz. "Anabella" means "God has favored me". "Tonya", of course, is after my lovely bride and her precious Mommy, who I am so glad we are finally able to honor with a birth name. The "Ana" in "Anabella" was chosen because we wanted to honor her big sister in Heaven, Anastasha. We will likely call her "Bella", which is the Italian word for "beautiful". And she is…absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. Even by this Daddy's objective standards. :)

Caleb Martin was born at 10:41 AM and weighed 5# 12oz. "Caleb" was chosen because of who he was in the Old Testament. More than once in Scripture when his name is mentioned, it is followed by the phrase, "who served the Lord wholeheartedly". We pray that will be the same for our little fella as he grows into a boy and someday a man. "Martin" is a family name – my middle name, my uncle's and great grandfather's first name.

Despite being the bigger "little brother" to Anabella, Caleb (in premie white boy fashion) had respiratory issues that began shortly after he was born. It culminated in him being intubated and flown by helicopter to Dallas, where he spent 7 days in the neonatal ICU. Once his breathing calmed down, we were grateful that he breast fed vigorously. That resulted in us coming home a couple of days earlier than we expected – praise God! There are many details and specific answered prayers – getting to 35 weeks gestation, having them spontaneously on 9-10-11, and many others - but I am usually WAY too wordy with my emails, so I'll keep it short.

We are enjoying the twins and rejoicing in God's faithfulness to us. We are really in awe and feel completely undeserving to be entrusted with these little lives. We know there will be some unique adjustments to life with twins. Tandem nursing is going well. But having 3 kids in diapers again isn't much fun. We'll be on "germ lock down" mode for the next few months since they are premies, and Caleb in particular is more vulnerable to infection because of his respiratory distress. So we'll be keeping life simple, and hopefully slower paced than usual.

Thank you for praying for us on this journey. We are tired, but so, so thankful.

May our Great and Loving Father bless and keep each of you!

Craig, Tonya, Ariana, Charis, Adoniyah, Amalyah, Corban, Caelan, Cale, Caius, Anastasha, Anabella and Caleb (isn't that craaaazzzzzyyyyyy????!!!!!)

34 Weeks and Counting...

2011-09-05T14:58:00.000-07:00

Tonya was 34 weeks gestation this past Friday. We are so thankful that both she and the twins are doing well. Here is an updated picture. We're just wondering how big her tummy can actually get. You'll notice this week that she is so big now that her stretch marks actually disappeared! :)

The quote of the week in our house was from Corban (age 6). The dialogue went something like this:

Corban - Mommy, if the babies came out right now would they be able to breathe.
Mommy - We don't know yet, but we think so.
Corban - They've been holding their breath for a LONG time!

I have to include a close second by Caelan (age 5):

Caelan - Mom, when I get to Heaven will I get a gun?
Mommy - No son, why would you need that?
Caelan - Because I'll need a gun to shoot all the demons that are there.

Hmmm, I'm thinking that we need to do a little more teaching on who is/isn't in Heaven.

Thanks for praying for us!

Anastasha - 10 Months Later and Twin Update

2011-08-29T21:53:00.000-07:00

Tonya at 33 weeks - at least 2 to go!

The last couple of weeks have been challenging but blessed. Friday marked the 10 month anniversary of Anastasha's birth and death. Tonya and I watched her birth video for the first time together since that day. It was difficult to watch and relive both the joy and pain. We were both struck by how brief her life was. It just seemed like a moment that she was here and then gone. Our memories are brief, as well, because of that.

We watched her funeral with all the kids. That was also difficult but precious. We've gone through some of her things, including her receiving blanket. It still smells like our baby girl.

It is a very strange emotion to be in the middle of anticipating new life again. Anastasha's death still feels fresh to us. That is one reason we watched her videos. We wanted to embrace her life as we look forward to life that is coming.

Tonya is still on bed rest. As of Saturday, my parents are now here, which is a great blessing. Life is hectic, but Tonya is still here (and not in a hospital room in Dallas) and the babies are still in her tummy (and not in a NICU in Dallas). So we are NOT complaining. We both feel VERY blessed that both of the above are true.

The twins measured 4 pounds and 4.5 pounds one week and a half ago. Tonya is still having contractions, but the medication she is taking seems to be holding them at bay somewhat. She got some steroid shots last week because the fetal fibronectin test (anticipates whether or not you are likely to go into labor in the next two weeks) was POSITIVE this time. It doesn't mean with certainty that she will. It just means that we can't reliably assume that she won't. Make sense?

Tonya had a baby shower on Saturday, given by her dear friend Joy Griffin. It was a blessing to see many friends who love her. And it was her first time out of the house (other than for her OB appts) in 2 weeks. Can you say "stir crazy"?

We are hoping to get to at least 35 weeks gestation with the pregnancy. That will be sometime around 9-10-11. That will allow us to (hopefully) avoid Dallas. jAnytime BEFORE that will likely land us and/or the babies in Dallas. Anything AFTER that is icing on the cake, so to speak. Please pray with us for God's mercy during this time. And that His perfect love will cast out fear. Thanks for praying for us. We'll keep you updated.

Craig

Authority

2011-08-17T20:22:00.000-07:00

I had the opportunity to preach at church last week. This time it was on the topic of authority and our submission to it as believers. You can watch here.

A Ring and Twin Update

2011-08-14T21:35:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I've posted anything. Sorry, I'm a bad blogger...:)

On Father's Day this year, Tonya had a ring made for me. It is a signet ring that has a picture in relief of Anastasha's hand from the ultrasound that we took (picture is on the blog page). The ring was my father's when he was a teenager. It had his (and my) initial's - CD. I've worn it for years, but my Dad said that he would be honored for us to convert to a ring in honor of Anastasha. We melted down gold from one of Tonya's old charms, a charm from my grandfather, and a cross from the woman who raised my mother (Sangootz, we called her). It is very precious to me.

Tonya is currently 31 weeks pregnant with the twins. Things have been remarkably smooth up until this past week. On Tuesday at a routine OB appt, Tonya's cervix was noted to be 2 cm dilated. The OB wasn't alarmed, but that has never happened to Tonya in the past. Tonya has only dilated in the past when it was time for delivery! So we were a bit concerned. Wed night she and I spent overnight at the hospital because of contractions every 5 minutes. They were able to successfully stop them and sent her home on a medication that she takes every 6 hours. She is also now on modified bedrest, which means that she can't be on her feet for an extended period of time - no cooking, cleaning, driving, etc. And due to the relative lack of mobility, she is on heparin (blood thinner) shots twice daily to prevent blood clots.

So life here has been....well...interesting. Ariana has handled breakfast for everyone. I come home for lunch and make lunch for the kids, and then dinner when I get home. Tonya has been homeschooling from the couch. I've basically been in charge of running the home, something my very competent wife does MUCH BETTER than I ever could. Tonya talked me into going to Walmart yesterday. It was a 3 1/2 hour trip, complete with a 45 minute "price matching" check-out (I'm not exaggerating). I told Tonya that trip was just a step short of hell for me.

So please pray for us and these two little blessings. We are hoping to keep them in until AT LEAST 35 weeks (approx 9-10-11) - one month from now. That will allow us to deliver locally instead of in Dallas. Every day counts as far as morbidity and mortality is concerned. Here is a picture of Tonya's belly over a week ago. Can you imagine how big she will be if she carries them for another month or more?!

Mother's Day 2011

2011-05-08T20:05:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day ten years ago was the hardest one that Tonya (and I) has ever walked through. That was the day that we found out that our first born, Ariana Ann, had leukemia. She was 22 months old and I was an intern in residency in Tulsa, OK. I found out about it while finishing call at the hospital. I came home, climbed into bed with Tonya and Ariana who were still asleep. And I told her that we had to take Ariana to the hospital. Our lives were radically changed on that day.

Every Mother's Day since has been filled with blessing and joy. Mother's Day last year, Anastasha was growing in Tonya's womb. Unbeknownst to us on that day, she was developing without most of her brain. We were excited about our new child that was coming. And we waited for her arrival with joy.

One year later, we spent the day in usual fashion. It began with breakfast in bed for Mommy, prepared lovingly by many messy hands. Then we went to church as a family, followed by a piano recital for the four oldest children.

But this year, the same little body of the little girl who one year ago was active and growing inside Tonya's womb was instead buried beneath the ground. And as we visited her grave today as a family, it was with sadness moreso than joy. Tears were shed by both of us, wishing she was here with us...even moreso today. And walking away from her grave as all of her siblings (including the two in the womb) climbed into the van to leave, felt...so...very...wrong. In every way.

A special happy Mother's Day to all of you mommies today. And may God's peace and special blessing be upon those of you who walked the incredibly difficult road of watching one or more of your precious children pass on into eternity ahead of you.

Craig and Tonya

Six Months In His Everlasting Arms

2011-04-26T00:00:00.000-07:00

It has been six months today since we held our youngest daughter in our arms. And just as long that she has been with our Savior. I am thankful that our memories of her are still vivid. The pain is still present, but more like a dull ache now than a sharp, suffocating pain.

Several times a day we see her sweet face on the picture above Tonya's side of the bed. I gaze frequently at the photo on my nightstand of her in her mother's arms. Occasionally we snuggle with the blanket she was wrapped in immediately after birth that still smells like her. We visit her grave often. We talk about her daily with the children and bless her as a family every night before bed. Every remembrance is with thankfulness for her life but sadness that we don't get to share our life here with her.

We still feel her loss...daily.

We imagine what she'd be like as a little brown haired, blue-eyed, six month old cutie. She be starting to sit by herself. We would be feeding her baby food soon. She'd probably be very petite like her older sisters and brothers at that age. Her cheeks would be constantly wet from drool and kisses. We would just have celebrated our first Easter with her and would be preparing for her first Mother's Day. She'd hardly ever be put down by her siblings. And Tonya and I would be a lot more tired from the demands of an infant than we are now.

Oh Lord, how we wish we were more tired.

It is a strange journey for us mourning a life that we never knew. In reality we grieve something that never was meant to be - her life on earth. The truth is that she was not created to be long in this world. God created her to live here briefly, touch our lives deeply, and then worship Him forever.

But we are so blessed and honored to be the vessels that the Lord chose to bring her forth, to give her life. Every time that I hear worship songs that describe worship of God in Heaven, I cry thinking about her little voice joining with those of the angels and saints who have gone before. I feel like part of us is there with her before the throne of the King.

We are obviously very excited about the twins coming. We feel blessed and overwhelmed that the Father would give us this gift, especially so soon after we gave our daughter back to Him. He is such a good Daddy. But we don't feel in any way like these lives "replace" Anastasha. I don't think we are getting this "double blessing" because we lost her, as many have lovingly suggested. We will love these two new babies deeply and joyfully, but they will not be Anastasha. Her place in our heart is permanent, as is her absence.

Heaven seems more real to us because of Anastasha. Our redemption through Jesus' death and suffering means more. The Resurrection seems more real. So does the brevity of this life. We long for His return more now than we ever have before. May it be soon - Come Lord Jesus!

The twins at 15 weeks - they're already roomies!

Call to Surrender

2011-03-06T21:49:00.000-08:00

I (Craig) had an opportunity to preach at church this Sunday (actually my first time ever preaching in a church). The message, "How Much Does It Cost?", was really a call to fully surrender to Jesus. Included were many of the lessons that I have learned with our journey with Anastasha.

You can watch it here if you are interested.

"11" in 2011

2011-02-26T10:39:00.000-08:00

Here is another letter that the kids received from Anastasha yesterday:

Dear Ariana, Charis, Adoniyah, Amalyah, Corban,

Caelan, Cale, & Caius~

Guess what? I got to play with Gabriel again today.

He had another message of something amazing God had to say.

Tucked away in Mommy’s tummy safe, and cozy until the growing is done….

Are TWO new tiny, tiny souls…not just one.

Your Father in Heaven heard your hearts’ pleas for not one but TWO…

He says for you to WATCH closely now and see ALL He’s going to do!

God is mighty…the strongest ever in power and love.

He has given you my big brothers and sisters not one, but TWO amazing gifts from above.

I can feel your joy, hear your gratefulness, and rejoice in your excitement

At these TWO glorious miracles that God has sent…

I love you so very, very much,
Anastasha
xoxoxo

Isn't God good!!!

How We Told the Kids

2011-02-22T20:11:00.000-08:00

A lot of you asked how we told the kids about the baby, so I thought I would share.

We drove to the cemetary on a sunny, but cold Saturday afternoon. Snow was melting on the ground from the day before. Tonya went there earlier in the day and had tied 10 helium balloons on Anastasha's headstone (and placed the letter there too).

When we pulled up and could see the balloons from the car, the kids were so excited. I told them that maybe one of my patients had tied the balloons there for the kids since they knew they would love them.

When we got out to look closer, we "found" the letter. We told them the kids to read it to see who the balloons were from. Ariana (age 11) took it and started reading it. As soon as she realized that it was written as being from Anastasha, she started sobbing. I (Craig) held her (now crying too) and passed the letter to Charis (age 10). He read the rest of the letter and stopped when he got to the "big sister" part and said, "Are you kidding me?". When they all figured it out, the kids were SO excited.

Then we cut each of the balloons off and let each child write a message (or color a picture) with a sharpie marker. Then they released their balloons to the sky. Except for Cauis, who hung on to his balloon for dear life until he accidentally let go.

We are excited, as you can imagine. But it is a strange dance of joy mixed with grief that is still fresh in our hearts. God the Father has had us on a journey of surrender for the last 10 months or so. We feel like this is a continuation of this journey.

We always give our baby in the womb an acronym - BIB (baby in belly), BIT (baby in tummy), BOW (baby on the way), BCS (baby coming soon), etc. This one we are calling B.L.T., short for Baby Living in Tummy (or baby living in Texas!).

Letter from Heaven

2011-02-20T19:53:00.000-08:00

My Sweet Brothers and Sisters--

Ariana, Charis, Adoniyah, Amalyah, Corban, Caelan, Cale, and Caius,

I can’t wait for you to see everything that God has put here….

To play with thousands and thousands and thousands of children, to feel God’s hug that is not far away anymore but so, so near.

I am laughing and playing on the roads of gold with a royal blue sky above and rainbow sparkle colors floating all around me.

Gabriel, God’s messenger angel, came to tell me he had a message and a gift for me to see.

I thought for a second that maybe one of you were coming to play with me,

But I knew only a very short time has gone by since I got here, so that could not be.

O guys, Gabriel is very big and so brave to carry messages for your Shepherd up here down there to you, His little sheep.

Just wait till you see Gabriel’s huge wings and Michael’s big, big sword that guards you from the devil and protects you guys when you sleep.

I saw Noah, David, Elijah, Sampson, Peter, Luke and Paul too.

They told me all the amazing stories about their lives that Daddy & Mommy read to you.

Ariana, Adoniyah, and Amalyah, I can’t wait to show you all the colors of pink diamonds here that sparkle and shine--

And the tiara that your King has for you, His princesses, just like mine!

Charis, Corban, & Caelan Jesus showed me the pretty, white snow and the fort-walls that you made. I could see your smiles and hear your laughter below.

Wait till you see the snow we have here that is so soft and sparkly. It makes the bestest snowballs, and Jesus even made one for me to hold.

I saw Cale and Caius licking their snow in cups…so, I licked mine too.

It is so yummy and sweet, and it made my tongue tickle.

When you come, I will give all mine to you.

Gabriel played on the slides and pushed till my feet could touch the clouds on the swings.

My toes could feel them. I touched them, and they are as soft as the angels’ wings!

The clouds tickled my toes. They made me giggle. Gabriel asked me if I knew what a big sister was—I said, “Yes! I have three!”

He took a tiny gift from under his wing and sat it in my hand—a message from God. What could it be?

I pulled the silky, golden ribbon so slow as Gabriel watched with a grin.

Inside was a note from God that said, “Anastasha, today you are the big sister!” My eyes asked him, “When?”

Gabriel told me the most amazing way God put a tiny new soul in my Mommy’s tummy, and how He cares for the baby each day.

And that my big brothers and big sisters will hold the baby soon--and with them it will stay.

So rejoice my sweet brothers and sisters!

Dance around like crazy!

Shout for joy as loud as you can!

He is giving your world a life to show His love

and to glorify His name again!

Gabriel said you guys would teach her all the big sister stuff since I am here, and God says you are the best ones for the task.

The Holy Spirit will help too until we play hide-n-seek in Heaven and are together at last.

I am the big sister in Heaven—O, I am dancing and spinning round and round holding Gabriel’s hand.

Jesus wants me to tell Daddy and Mommy that like God’s love for them, His children’s praises will outnumber the stars and all the beaches’ grains of sand.

I am something new—the big sister now!

Tell of Gabriel’s message and tell of God’s sovereignty!

Proclaim He is good in all things!

I am so grateful that God gave this gift to us!

From your lips may God’s heart for children ring!

So rejoice my sweet brothers and sisters!

Dance around like crazy!

Shout for joy as loud as you can!

He is giving your world a life to show His love

and to glorify His name again!

I love you so much my big brothers and sisters,

Anastasha—the new BIG sister!

Grandma's Poem

2011-02-18T20:42:00.000-08:00

Craig's mom wrote this sweet little poem that she sent on a Valentine's Day card to Anastasha:

Sweet Lil Lady of heavenly birth.

Your short life on earth (though too brief),

Is of infinite worth.

Kathleen DeLisi

Sorrow Is Better Than Laughter

2011-02-14T12:43:00.000-08:00

Ecclesiates 7 states:

"A good name is better than fine perfume,

and the day of death better than the day birth.

It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting,

for death is the destiny of every man;

the living should take this to heart.

Sorrow is better than laughter,

because a sad face is good for the heart.

The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,

but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.

It is better to heed a wise man's rebuke

than to listen to the songs of fools.

Like the crackling of thorns under the pot,

so is the laughter of fools."

This verse penned by the wisest king in history, King Solomon, certainly flies in the face of the wisdom of our age. For us, our happiness is often the highest virtue. We seek pleasure, fun, toys, "stuff".

But it appears the Lord sees things differently. It seems He is more concerned with our humility and obedience more than our pride and happiness.

Trusting in Hard Times

2011-02-06T21:56:00.000-08:00

Like anyone who is honest with themself, I have numerous opportunities daily to trust God. Whether it is an encounter with a difficult patient or safety in travel, for as long as I can remember I have believed that "God is in control". Being a parent allows for so many "extra" opportunities to trust Him. Tonya and I have to trust the faithfulness of God's Holy Spirit to draw our children's heart toward Him. We trust that in season we will see good fruit in their hearts and lives from our consistent discipline. And, as the parents of 5 young boys, we have to trust (seems like daily) that they will literally survive another day. (I'm remembering as I type this that just TONIGHT, Cale (3) was going down our large wooden staircase riding...a sit-n-spin wrapped in a blanket...sheesh!).

As I've thought more about trust lately, I realize that it has never been particularly hard for me to trust God the Father. I presume this is mainly because I've always known that He is Good and Loving. But, if I'm honest, I must admit that the large majority of the time I am "trusting" Him for things when life is really going well...smoothly, if you will. It isn't hard to trust Him when I don't have any real financial "needs" per se. Or when all my kids are well. Or when I drive a car that runs smoothly and the house is in good repair. Or when I have a great job. In fact, I'm really not sure how much I am trusting Him most of the time and how much I am running on "autopilot".

But what about when that is not the case? As 21st century Americans, my family and I are beyond blessed. We don't even know the meaning of the word "need"...we really don't. But what about when our children are really, really sick (like when Ariana had leukemia)? Or what about when they are given a terminal diagnosis and then die (like Anastasha)? What does trust look like then?

Well, I realized the other day that trusting God, truly trusting Him, in hard times is....well, hard. Really hard, in fact. Suddenly I wonder if His goodness is really that good. Or if His promises are true. It is painful, almost physically, to really wrestle to that place of trust when life is hard. To totally surrender to Him. To really believe that "God is good" as we've proclaimed so many times. But you know what? He really IS still trustworthy and good.

Even during the difficult times.

Especially during the difficult times.

And whether or not we can trust Him during those times, I believe, is a test of what we TRULY BELIEVE. But I can also say from experience that it is during the most difficult times that our trust in the Father is the most rewarding and satisfying. Knowing that the One Who made the heavens and the earth is the same loving God who knows and controls every little detail of our life is simply awesome. He is a trustworthy and good Daddy.

Three Months Later

2011-01-26T00:00:00.000-08:00

Today marks the 3 month anniversary of the birth (earthly and heavenly) of our sweet Anastasha. It many ways it feels like a very long time ago that we held her in our arms.

So what does life look like for us three months later? On the outside, it looks pretty normal. We've resumed most of our "normal" activities - schooling the kids, homeschool co-op, Community Bible Study, piano. But on the inside we're still grieving. The tears come less often, but they still come. The almost unbearable sadness is more bearable. But we've been changed...all of us. And I hope that the changes in our heart are of the type that will last until we meet our Savior (and our precious daughter) face to face. Brokeness. Humility. Heavenly-mindedness. These are characteristics that have been birthed through our pain. And they are good.

Many of you have wondered about the children? They still have spontaneous tears about losing their sister. Sometimes there is uncontrollable sobbing, especially with Ariana and Niyah. It comes randomly, when something triggers their love and longing for Anastasha. For the other kids, there aren't as many tears, but they still talk about Anastasha like she is a member of our family. Even little Cale (3) talks about "going to Haavin to see Ana-tasha" quite often. Caelan (4) has become very concerned about Heaven/Hell (and which one he is going to!). Corban (6) tells us that he wants "to go to Heaven when I'm still a kid because I want to play with God and grown ups don't play with God." Charis wrote on a prayer request card at our church under the "praises" section that he was thankful that his sister Anastasha was in Heaven. Tonya and I have been blessed by the children's simple faith these last few months. Even though they are grieving in their own ways, it is tempered by the fact that they know their sister is in Heaven with Jesus.

We still feel her absence daily. Every time we sit down at the table to eat as a family and know that either Tonya or I would normally be doing our typical "juggling act" of holding a newborn while trying to get the other children fed. Every time we get in the car to go somewhere, and it is a little bit too easy. Every night when the kids all sleep through the night and we aren't being awoken every 3 hours to feed. Every little newborn (especially girls) that I see in clinic remind me of how big she would be and what she would be doing. All these "absences" point our hearts to the void of her presence.

This week was Adoniyah's birthday. Anastasha was her "buddy", a privilege that we have been giving to the older children to help them pair up with a younger sibling. Niyah's favorite number is 89 (don't ask why, but it has been for years). We didn't realize it, but her birthday was exactly 89 days since Anastasha died. Only the Lord could orchestrate that.

We are still thankful for those of you who have been praying for us. Please continue to as the Lord brings us to your mind. Pray that the Lord will be our Comfort and source of strength. And please pray that He will accomplish His purposes in our hearts and our lives.

We know that Anastasha is with her heavenly Daddy right now, Who loves her more than her earthly Daddy ever could. And she is perfect. There is so much peace and thankfulness in our hearts because of that. And we know that the joy of Heaven for believers will be the presence of our Lord. But we also are thankful that we will see her sweet face one day.

Blessings to you all.

Craig and Tonya

A Poem From Mommy

2011-01-02T20:15:00.000-08:00

Fading...Heartbeat

Broken...Wholeness

Sorrowful...Joy

Calm...Fight

Silent...Communion

Relentless...Surrender

Devoted...Willingness

Sacrificial...Offering

Redeemed...Soul

Eternal...Hope

Resurrected...Life

Glorious...Light

Forever...Home

Why Does it Hurt More at Christmas?

2010-12-26T21:06:00.000-08:00

I was surprised by the fact that Christmas was harder for Tonya and I, from a grief standpoint, than a "regular" day. I certainly understand why that is the case for people who lose loved ones, especially children, with whom they have shared previous Christmases. They have memories that probably make things harder. But that wasn't the case for us as we were never given that blessing. So I didn't think we would feel any differently on Christmas than we would any other day. But we did. It hurt more.

Maybe it was because there was a stocking hung on our mantle with Anastasha's name on it, but it remained empty. Or maybe it was because we baked her a birthday cake for Jesus too (all the kids make one), even though she wouldn't get to lick the frosting. Or maybe because we couldn't tie a little Christmas bow on her head like I've seen on so many cute little baby girl patients of mine in recent weeks.

I'm not really sure why, but I suspect the main reason is because, for us, Christmas is such a "huddling up" time as a family. We really try to minimize outside distractions and, for a least a few days, spend some very good quality time...as a family.

Yet this year there was a void...her void. Yes, I know we have 8 other children. That should be enough, right? It isn't a numbers thing. We are of course so blessed with the living children that we have. I often tell Tonya that she has made me richer than a king because of them. It is just that one that we love deeply isn't with us, and we desperately wish she was.

Christmas is, first and foremost, a time to remember Christ's incarnation and look forward to His second coming. And we did both...with joy. But is also such a sweet time of family fellowship - tender, giving, selfless, and innocent. And to do it for the first time as an "incomplete" family was just plain hard.

We visited the cemetery where our baby girl is buried. I kissed her cold, hard headstone and said "Merry Christmas" with tears in my eyes. The kids wondered how or if Christmas is celebrated in heaven. I suspect it isn't, but I also know that everyday there is more glorious than we can ever imagine.

May Jesus return again soon. Come, Lord Jesus.

A Letter From Big Brother At Christmas

2010-12-25T06:03:00.000-08:00

Charis wrote this sweet little note to Anastasha and put it in her stocking. It has been neat for Tonya and I to see the children, with their simple faith, grab hold of the reality of heaven. And the result of that is great peace, and even joy that they know where their sister is right now and, more importantly, Who she is with right now.

He Never Dropped the Leash

2010-12-01T21:57:00.000-08:00

The Book of Job has been a family favorite of our for years. It has taken on even greater meaning this year as we've walked through our own great trial.

We were delighted when we discovered that our favorite Bible teacher, John Piper, wrote an illustrated poem on the Book of Job. We were blessed by it. You can find some excerpts under the section of this blog called Precious Quotes.

Below is a portion of the forward of the book. It describes God's role in our human suffering. Piper eloquently expresses that regardless of who the afflicter is in any given situation (Satan or God), that God is ultimately responsible and, therefore, in control. As a result we can trust in His Omnipotence and Goodness. We pray that whatever difficult situation you are in, you will find comfort in knowing that God is in ultimate control.

"It is a great sadness when suffers seek relief by sparing God his sovereignty over pain. The sadness is that this undercuts the very hope it aims to create. When all forty-two chapters of the book of Job are said and done, the inspired author leaves us with an unshakable and undoubted fact: God governs all the things for his good purposes.

The text says Job's brothers and sisters 'comforted him for all the evil that the Lord had brought upon him' (Job 42:11). This is the author speaking, not a misguided character in the drama. Whatever Satan's liberty in unleashing calamity upon us, God never drops the leash that binds his neck.

Jesus' brother James rounds out the picture with his interpretations: 'You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful' (James 5:11). In other words, the Lord is sovereign, and the Lord is sweet.

Pain and loss are bitter providences. Who has lived long in this world of woe without weeping, sometimes until the head throbs and there are no more tears to lubricate the convulsing of our amputated love? But O, the folly of trying to lighten the ship of suffering by throwing God's goverance overboard. The very thing the tilting ship needs in the storm is the ballast of God's good sovereignty, not the unburdening of deep and precious truth. What makes the crush of calamity sufferable is not that God shares our shock, but that his bitter providences are laden with the bounty of love.

I have written for sufferers. I pray that you will be helped to endure till healing, or to die well. One who suffered more than most wrote: 'To live is Christ and to die is gain' (Phil 1:21). Which of these will be our portion, God himself will decide. 'If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that' (James 4:15).

The great purpose of this life is not to stay alive, but to magnify - whether by life or by death - the One who created us and died for us and lives as Lord of all forever, Jesus Christ. I pray that his sovereign goodness will sustain you in the unyielding joy of hope through every flame of pain and flood of fear."

One Month

2010-11-25T22:34:00.000-08:00

Today marks the one month anniversary of Anastasha's birth and death. She is gone. We're still here. And we hate that. There are many days that we wish we weren't here either and that Jesus would return to take all of us who are in Christ with Him and end all pain and suffering once and for all. But He tarries, so we wait...

In the month since we said good-bye to Anastasha, we have:

laid her body to rest in the ground
enjoyed special time with numerous precious family and friends
received her social security card in the mail
returned to work (Craig)
returned to the same Labor and Delivery to be with friends who were having their first daughter
went to Tonya's postpartum checkup (first time back to the place of "life" 5 times for us)
resumed homeschooling (Tonya)
signed Anastasha’s death certificate as the physician of record (Craig)
rejoiced in the births of FIVE babies born to local friends in the last month
cried daily
read to the kids more, played more kickball with them, and hugged them more tightly

So how are we doing one month later? We're hurting. We're sad. We're emotionally spent. We don't have the energy to put on a happy face and "pretend" to others that all is well. If our journey with Anastasha was a marathon, and the days and weeks leading up to her death were the "kick" at the end, then we are in the cool down period right now. And neither of us has the energy to sprint, or even to jog. We aren't crumbling. By God's grace we are standing up under the pain. But all isn't well. Our daughter is dead. We can't hold her or kiss her. We can't watch her grow up. We know she is with the Lord. But to be truthful, we want her here with us.

As the colorful life of summer gives way to the dreary death of winter, so it is in our hearts. The world seems a bit duller. Things that are usually attractive and appealing have lost their shine. And I don't mean that in a depressed, anhedonic sort of way. I mean that in a "seeing-things-for-what-they-really-are" sort of way. Money, "stuff", sports, achievements - its all gonna burn someday. The truth is that this world is temporary. We were made for another home...a heavenly one. And the things we often run around chasing in this world by and large have very little meaning or purpose for that home that is to come. What matters is what will last - the lives we impact for God. And most importantly, how we love Him while we are here. Because when the day comes that He calls our name, none of that other stuff will matter. He won't ask us what car we drove, how much money was still in our bank account, or what degrees we earned. He'll ask us how we responded to His Son. That's all that will matter, and the day is coming for each of us sooner than we realize.

Yesterday at Thanksgiving, there was an obvious absence in our home and at our “table”. We felt great thankfulness for Anastasha, but at the same time this feeling was almost overshadowed by grief that she isn’t here with us. There is a void there, one that I suspect will never be truly filled this side of heaven.

Grief is a process that looks different for everyone. It looks different for Tonya than it does for me. God is present in our grief, guiding us through the journey with this unwanted guest in our lives. But we won't rush it. We couldn't if we wanted to. We are determined to let the Lord lovingly take our hands and lead us through this to the other side, in His timing. And we desperately want to emerge on the other side more like Christ than when we started.

God is still good. Christ still reigns.

It is well with our souls. We’re pressing in to Him. We’re still trusting. We’re still hoping in His unfailing love.

But we hurt. A lot.

Created to be Loved

2010-11-22T20:35:00.000-08:00

A dear friend of mine from medical school emailed me a portion of his journal from the day of Anastasha's birth. It rings of truth and blessed me tremendously. He gave me permission to share it. I hope it will be a blessing to you and help you see what not only Anastasha's purpose here on earth was, but what yours is as well.

"Praise God for all things, even for those things beyond our understanding that work for His glory! We understand such a small fraction of His greatness, His plan, His universe, yet He knows each of us intimately. Why are we made so limited, so inadequate for the tasks that seem laid before us? Or do we have it wrong?

Have we as a people misjudged our task, our purpose? Are we here (and fully equipped) to simply love God, and worship Him? Why then, are we saddled wth reason? Why do we have the capacity to even realize how limited we truly are, how little we understand?

October 26th, 2010, at 1239 CDT, a minister was born, a "prophetess," maybe. Her name is Anastasha Kalil DeLisi, and she lived for 50 minutes. She had anencephaly. Her parents, our good friends from long ago, Craig and Tonya DeLisi, carried her to term and chose that 9 months and 50 minutes of life for her.

I feel ministered to by her already. She, the "least of these," sends a profound message that all God's children are equal in value. Her parents' witness, to do something "countercultural," "tore the veil" on what we often think reality is to see God's reality. We should celebrate life ALL THE TIME, but celebrate it as a precious gift in an open palm.

That, as beautiful as it is, is not the most radical message that this tiny miracle shows us. She makes our mission crystal clear. We each have a purpose here on earth, all of us, for whatever time we are here. As Anastasha shows us, maybe it has nothing to do with our abilities, our well intentioned ministries, or ANYTHING that neatly fits into the construct of western thought, or even superficial Christian doctrine. It may not even be to "love Him" in the terms as we define love.

It is to RECEIVE GRACE, freely, without pride, without pre-supposition of worth, but to be objects, recipients of the perfect, everlasting love of the Almighty God through Jesus Christ His Son. ALL can receive, none is inadequate for this task. Anastasha is an incarnational reminder of the ONLY thing that is important. To be loved by HIM. She was unable to let her will get in the way of His love, unable to rest on her gifts as they would be defined by our society. All of the unimportant things were stripped away in her, and what was left was that which was necessary to be an object of that precious gift of God's love - her soul.

God bless my friends for being her parents. Only they were up to this monumental task, in His strength.

God, thank you for Anastasha. She is showing the way to us all. Many would define her as less, or last, but we know she is so much more.

Matthew 19:30 "But many who are first will be last, and the last first." She stands first among us today, complete in the resurrection, an object of God's love."

Ripples in a Pond

2010-11-12T17:49:00.000-08:00

Here is the video clip of the announcement Tonya and I made to the children that she was pregnant (on March 1, 2010). It is a sweet video that shows how excited they were about a new sibling.

Below the video is the poem that Tonya wrote to tell me that she was pregnant. She gave me 9 stones with the poem, each one representing the life of one of our children. We believe that each of their lives were cast in the "pond" of the world by God, with the purpose of making eternal ripples for Him.

It seems that God was preparing our hearts for what was to come before we even knew about Anastasha's diagnosis.

My Abba Father,

Rejoice! Rejoice! I rejoice!

For You Lord promise only good to me

And assure Your will is not to harm me.

You promise to give me hope and a future.

You cannot tell a lie.

Your Word is Truth.

You are my Abba, Father.

In your lap Daddy, I lay my heart.

You protect me from what I cannot see.

You prepare me only for Your best.

Help me resist the lies bombarding around…

Promising what looks good

Yet only giving peace for a fleeting moment.

The lies cannot satisfy.

Only Your will can satisfy me.

You alone bring nourishment.

You give whole healing.

You pursue me even though I hide.

You love me for who I am in You.

You give yourself for me to know You more.

What You think about me is Truth.

What You feel about me is unwavering.

What You desire me to be is only of You.

A life created inside me in Your image.

Like a tiny stone…

Tossed into a smooth lake.

The single ripple starts out small…

And yet, the entire lake is transformed...

Forever reflecting the beauty of Christ

Rejoice! Rejoice! I rejoice!

For You Lord promise only good to me

And assure Your will is not to harm me.

You promise to give me hope and a future.

You cannot tell a lie.

Your Word is Truth

Heal my unbelief Daddy.

Guide me on paths of righteousness…

That I may trust You.

That I may believe this life is given

Simply to radiate Your love.

Heaven or Hell?

2010-11-09T20:35:00.000-08:00

I wanted to post a few pictures of Anastasha's tombstone/monument. Tonya a I spent quite some time on its design and the wording on it. Even though we know that it is just an external, temporary marker for where our daughter's body lay, even her little body is so precious to us that we wanted to mark it with something meaningful.

Front

Front Close Up

Back Close Up

I wanted to relay a conversation I was in the middle of during Anastasha's burial at the cemetary. This was while the reverend was praying and reading Scripture.

It was a BEAUTIFUL day outside - sunny, wind blowing, harp music being played. Cale (3 years old) is sitting on my right, Caelan (4 1/2 years old) on my left (very strategic...that was for "containment").

Cale - "Daddy, is this Heaven?"

Dad (thinking, "awww, that is so sweet..") - "No buddy. This isn't heav..."

Caelan (interupting from across my lap...and very matter-of-factly) - "No....This is hell!"

I wasn't sure what do say or do, other than laugh. In some ways, it felt like a bit of both.

Nine Days Later...

2010-11-04T18:33:00.000-07:00

It has been nine days since our precious Anastasha was born and went to be with Jesus, and five days since we laid her sweet body in the ground. The days that have followed have been filled with tremendous grief, but also with joy and peace.

Anastasha's birth was an amazing experience. The Lord answered so many specific prayers regarding the labor and delivery itself - to be on Tonya's birthday, that Tonya could deliver naturally, that our OB would be in town, that she would be 6 cm dilated when we got there, that her labor would be her shortest (and it was only 2 hours), that her water would stay intact until the end. All of these were answered perfectly. And the Lord also saw it fit to answer my prayer that she would be born alive. Amazingly, even though she never took a breath, her heart beat for 50 minutes before her peaceful passing. Tonya, the kids, and I each got to hold her in our arms while she was on this side of heaven. That was a precious gift to us.

Her funeral was also an awesome time for our family. We were able to worship the Lord with family and friends from all over the country. The funeral message delivered by her godfather and our dear friend, Michael Gaertner, felt like it was spoken from the mouth of God to our very ears. We were overwhelmed with the love from our community here, as well as all of those who traveled to be with us.

Parting with Anastasha (both at the hospital and at the graveside) was the hardest thing I think Tonya and I have ever done. We obviously know that it was just her fragile body that we walked away from both times, but it was excrutiating to do so. We grieve, but we do so with hope because of Jesus. Because of Him, we hope in the resurrection, and we know that our princess is in the Presence of the King.

As a family we are doing well, but we are obviously hurting quite deeply. It is a terrible feeling not having a newborn to rock to sleep and to nurse, and to know that we will not get to raise her in our home. I don't think we'll ever fully recover from that. The children seem to be doing very well, even the older ones. Tonya, as you would expect, is hurting the most. Please continue to pray for her most of all.

Moving forward I will use this new website to enter new pictures as they come, as well as to record future thoughts as we continue our journey with the Lord. The hardest part is behind us now, but we are far from being out of the valley.

Thank each of you for your love and encouragement along the journey. We are grateful for each of your lives and contribution to ours.

May our Lord bless each of you.

Craig, Tonya, Ariana, Charis, Adoniyah, Amalyah, Corban, Caelan, Cale, Caius, and our precious Anastasha

The Memorial Video and Slideshow

2010-11-01T11:33:00.000-07:00

The video and slideshow presentation of the Life and Birth of Anastasha Kalil DeLisi, as presented October 30th, 2010 at First Baptist Church in Pittsburg, Texas.

Click here to watch the entire 18 minute video & slideshow (with ads)

Click here to watch it in 6 parts (ads-free, number 5 is her birth and life)

Click on the video below to watch one small portion of it (Birth and Life) directly

Funeral Message

2010-11-01T11:19:00.000-07:00

The funeral message as delivered by Dr. Michael Gaertner, October 30th, 2010 at First Baptist Church in Pittsburg, Texas.

If you don't read or look at anything else on this blog, PLEASE listen to this message. It was incredible.

Click here to listen (or download mp3 here). You will be richly blessed.

Anastasha Kalil DeLisi - October 26th, 2010

2010-10-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

Our sweet princess was born yesterday at 12:39 PM. I pronounced her earthly death (and heavenly birth) at 1:29 PM. Her passing was very peaceful.

It was the best labor Tonya has ever had. We saw the Lord answer specific prayer after prayer after prayer. It was remarkable. Tonya said Anastasha was the best birthday present she could have hoped for.

Tonya, the kids and I spent several hours with Anastasha after her death. Yesterday was one of the most profoundly painful and profoundly peaceful days we've ever had.

Tonya and I are home. She is recuperating well. She was able to labor completely naturally, which was a blessing and always seems to allow her get better more quickly.

Her funeral will be this coming Saturday, Oct 30st at 11 AM at First Baptist Church in Pittsburg. We invite ANY and ALL who would like to come to attend. We would be honored to have anyone who reads this to come celebrate with us.

In lieu of flowers or gifts, we would be blessed if you would consider making a contribution to Harvesters Reaching the Nations, a nonprofit ministry that serves orphans in Sudan. This is a wonderful work of the Lord that our family is blessed to be a part of. Click here to watch an endorsement by Franklin Graham. To give, you can go to this web page and put Anastasha's name at the bottom where it says "in honor of". The money you give will be used not just to bless us, but to advance God’s kingdom in Sudan by caring for and blessing some very precious children, whom we love.

We love you and thank you for praying for us. More details and pictures to follow in the days ahead.

Craig

Here We Go (October 25, 2010)

2010-10-25T10:50:00.000-07:00

Tonya cervix is about 3 cm now. Sometime in the wee hours of this morning (prob around 5) she will take a dose of Cytotec to try to induce labor. We have an induction scheduled at 10 AM. We may be going in sooner depending on how effectively it works.

We were at the same hospital earlier today visiting a friend who just had a C-section. It was really eerie walking past L&D, knowing that just hours from now we will be in that same place and will be experiencing the greatest pain we've ever known. I am thankful that our Savior had similar anguish the night before he was crucified, and yet completely trusted His Father (and was without sin).

The "tomorrow" that we have been dreading/fearing/anticipating has finally come. In just hours, it will be our "today". Pray that we (Tonya, me and the kids) will trust Him to be the Lord of not only tomorrow, but of TODAY. Our hearts are heavy, but there is joy as well. Fear, sadness, excitement, relief..all bundled up together.

Pray that our faith would be increased and that we would not fear. We are expecting our God to show Himself mighty to save for all of us tomorrow. He is a GREAT DADDY and so good to us.

Thank you for loving us and walking this broken road with us. We are so blessed by the Bride of Christ...YOU!

Craig and Tonya

Unto the End (Day of Life 253)

2010-10-23T10:47:00.000-07:00

Loved ones.

We are near the end of Tonya's pregnancy, very grateful that we have had as much time as we have been given. If Anastasha does not come on her own (and she might - Tonya has been contracting regularly), then we will induce labor this coming Tuesday, Oct 26th. Not only will that date mark the longest Tonya has carried any of our other children in the womb, but it is also Tonya's birthday. She has said from the beginning that she would be so honored to share that day with her daughter if the Lord would allow.

We trust our great God and Father wholeheartedly as we move forward. We are honored that he called us to be Anastasha’s parents. We find rest in the fact that He is Good no matter what may come. If the Lord chooses for her to return to Him, then we will be celebrating God's goodness with a memorial service next Saturday, Oct 30th at the First Baptist Church here in Pittsburg.

There is not much I haven't said already. If you can believe it, I think I am out of words. But I do want to thank each of you who have journeyed with us, from both near and far. Please pray for us in the coming days, especially on Tuesday.

Tonya wanted me to end with this excerpt from Mary’s song from the Gospel of Luke when she was told she was going to bear Jesus as her son:

And Mary said:
"My soul glorifies the Lord
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is his name.
His mercy extends to those who fear him,
from generation to generation.
He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
He has helped his servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
to Abraham and his descendants forever,
even as he said to our fathers."

With all our love,

Craig and Tonya for the whole darn big crew :)

Troubled (Day of Life 241)

2010-10-12T10:44:00.000-07:00

Tonya is 36 weeks pregnant today. That is further along than she carried Amalyah, Cale, or Caius. We both assumed that Anastasha would have been born by now, but the Lord apparently has other plans. We are at 2 cm and holding. So we wait...

Throughout this pregnancy, I've been particularly drawn to read about how Jesus himself handled trial and suffering. What did His emotions look like? Was He stoic or emotionless? Did he stand above the emotional roller coaster that many people experience during trials? How did He relate to His Father during these trials? I know He did not sin in these times, so I am particularly curious what the range of His emotions were.

“He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” he said to them. Mark 14:33-34 (Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane)

“Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? No, it was for this very reason I came into this hour. Father, glorify your name!” John 12:27-28 (Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane)

“When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.” John 11:33 (Jesus at the tomb of Lazarus)

In these three accounts, it mentions that Jesus was "troubled". All three times this phrase is translated from the Greek word "tarasso". A Greek dictionary translates this word as "to disturb, disquiet in body or spirit, to make anxious". Hmmm, so our Lord was disturbed and maybe somewhat anxious? It does seem like He was in each account, especially in Gethsemane. What a wonderfully human emotion that the Creator of all things Himself experienced. I am so thankful that we have a God who is not some distant deity, who set the world in motion and then watched history unfold from afar. Instead we have a God who took on our humanity WITH US, and as a result, can empathize with us perfectly in any given trial.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin.” Hebrews 4:15

It is almost blasphemous to compare what we are feeling right now to how our Lord felt in the garden the night before his betrayal and crucifixion. But Tonya and I do most certainly feel "tarasso". It isn't purely fear, because we trust in God's sovereignty. It isn't purely doubt, because we have faith in His goodness and love. And it isn't completely disturbed because we do have peace. But our hearts are heavy for what lies ahead. And so was Jesus’.

It is also important, though, to look at how he responded to his distress in the garden…

"Abba, Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will." Mark 14:36

He acknowledged God’s unlimited power, knowing He can do all things, including deliver Him from that trial. He told God the desire of His own heart. But, and this is the clincher, He willfully submitted His will to that of His loving Father because He trusted that His Abba knew what was best. That pretty much sums up where we are right now –believing…asking…submitting…trusting…

We are learning even more now to let God be our "God of the present moment". Living in "tomorrow" is painful and doesn't come with the grace that "today" does. However, I am so thankful that God, Who sees the end of a thing from its beginning, is already in our tomorrow (and the next day, and the next day...). That gives us peace.

So please pray for us that we won't be consumed about how this will all end. How will we handle her death if it comes? How will the children handle it? Will the funeral honor the Lord? So many unknowns. We don't have the grace for these things because we aren't there yet. But today? Yes, we have the grace for today. With God's help, we can get up today and make it through until "tomorrow" becomes the next "today". Pray that we will live in each moment with Him.

This will almost certainly be the last email I send before Anastasha comes.

Craig and Tonya

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you with me that you may also be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” John 14:1-4

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

Niyah reading Anastasha a book

"Complete" (Day of Life 235)

2010-10-06T10:42:00.000-07:00

Anastasha Kalil DeLisi

We've decided on a middle name for our littlest princess. Kalil (Kah-LEEL) is a Hebrew name that means "complete". We've known of and liked this name for over a decade, but it seemed fitting to go with Anastasha (Greek name for "resurrection") since she will be made "complete" at her "resurrection".

Since our last email, we've been blessed to have some special events for our daughter. The first one was an evening of prayer and worship with some friends locally. It was very sweet and intimate time for us to cry out to the Lord for strength and mercy. We were very blessed by the love of the Body of Christ, manifested by our dear friends who attended. Most of the women who attended have lost children themselves, including one who gave birth do a daughter with anencephaly just over one year ago.

The second event we attended was a baby shower last week given by some very special young women. “Living Alternatives” is a home for young women who have a crisis pregnancy and have decided to carry their child instead of having an abortion. These brave young women have followed our story and wanted to do something tangible to bless us, so they invited Tonya and I down to their home near Tyler, TX. We were so blessed to meet them and be allowed to share our story with them. They showered us with gifts, as well as with love and prayer. We were indeed very blessed and so thankful that they each have chosen to give their child a chance at life.

Tonya is 35 weeks pregnant now. We had Caius at 35 weeks and 5 days gestation. So based on our history, we assume Anastasha is coming soon. Tonya has been contracting very regularly, but hasn’t gone into labor yet. Anastasha is doing well, growing and active in the womb. She is head down, engaged and ready to come out and meet us. We both assume she’ll be born within the next 2 weeks.
As it gets closer, it is clearly a bittersweet time. There is increasing joy and excitement in our hearts for the time to meet her and be with her. But there is sadness not knowing how long we’ll have with her. We know that however long it is, whether minutes or years, it won’t seem like long enough.

As our journey nears its pinnacle, we are learning by necessity to trust more in our Heavenly Father. Tonya and I were talking today about the fact that in this life we struggle much LESS with trusting God with the “big” things – life, death, illness, jobs, etc. But where we really struggle is in trusting Him in the “little” details. We are both control freaks (what a mirage that is!), and like to know the details before they happen. Even with Anastasha’s life, we ultimately trust Him in “what” He decides. But the “how” is stressful to us. Will she be born alive? How long will we have? What will we do with the kids during labor? Who will come visit and when? None of these are big details in the grand scheme, but the cumulative effect is to cause us angst. And this is mostly because of our disbelief and lack of trust, which is sin. Would you please pray for us that we would TRUST more?

Some other things that we would really appreciate prayer for in the coming days:

 Against anxiety/fear
 Preparation for our children’s’ hearts for what
lies ahead
 For Tonya’s body to be strengthened for labor (and the
contractions to settle down until it is really labor time)
 That we can
hold Anastasha in our arms while she is still alive

Many of you might be wondering if we are resolved to the fact that Anastasha will die. I can say truthfully that I have been praying more earnestly for Anastasha’s miraculous healing more in the last 2 weeks then probably I have cumulatively the rest of the pregnancy. Do we believe God CAN heal her? Oh yes, with ALL our heart we do. Do we believe with certainty that He WILL? No, we don’t because we don’t presume to know His specific will and plan in this situation.

We do have HOPE. But our hope is not in an outcome that we desire per se, but our “hope is in His unfailing love.” Psalm 33:18. As hard as it is to say or to write, our greatest desire is that God would be glorified and magnified in Anastasha’s life by whatever means. That is the prayer we have for all of our children, and we know it is a dangerous prayer.. He may be most glorified by her miraculous healing and long life to show the world His power and mercy. Or He may be most glorified in her short life and death to show the world her great value despite her frailty and brevity. We don’t know, but we do trust Him…deeply.

Thank you for your prayer and support. We need it now more than ever.

Craig and Tonya

But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him,
On those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
To deliver them from death
And keep them alive in famine.
We wait in hope for the Lord;
He is our help and our shield.
In Him our hearts rejoice,
For we trust in His holy name.
May Your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD,
Even as we put our hope in you.
Psalm 33:18-22

PS. When Anastasha is born, Tonya and I know that some of you may want to show us love in the form of flowers or gifts. And we are thankful for that. But we would be SO GREATLY BLESSED if you would consider instead making a donation to the orphanage and school that I have visited in Sudan several times. Harvesters Reaching the Nations is an awesome ministry of which I am honored to serve on the Board of Trustees (click here to watch an endorsement by Franklin Graham http). To give, you can go to this web page and put Anastasha's name at the bottom where it says "in honor of". The money you give will be used not just to bless us, but to advance God’s kingdom in Sudan by caring for and blessing some very precious children.

Approaching the End of the Marathon (Day of Life 220)

2010-09-21T10:36:00.000-07:00

A quick snippet from a conversation in our house the other day that took me by surprise:

Ariana (11 years old, who is helping potty train her soon to be 3 year old brother, Cale) - "Cale, don't go tee-tee on Elmo (on his big boy underwear). Do you know what happens if you go tee-tee on Elmo?"
Cale - "He tell Big Bird?" (which is funny since he's seen maybe 3 episodes of Sesame Street in his entire life)
Ariana - "Right. Then what happens?"
Cale - "Big Bird kill me!."

So our 3 year old is being potty trained in fear of being pecked to death by a 7 foot, yellow bird. What can I say, we get desperate after 6 months of trying.

We got back last week from our vacation to Alabama and Florida. Thank you so much for those who prayed for us. We had a wonderful, peaceful, and dare I say, relaxing time visiting with dear friends. The beach, as usual, was gorgeous and empty. We had ZERO issues with the pregnancy while we were gone. And I got to take my "baby" beach pictures like I have with all of our kids outside the womb (seen at bottom of email).

Coming back home has been difficult in some ways for us. Tonya is now 33 weeks pregnant. If Anastasha follows the same pattern as her other siblings, we anticipate that she'll be born in the next 3 to 4 weeks. The reality is setting in that the end of the pregnancy is upon us and we'll soon get to meet our little girl. As you'd probably expect, it is a completely different feeling than we've had at the end of all the other pregnancies. It has some of the excitement and anticipation of finally getting to hold and kiss the daughter we love. But primarily, there is heartache and deep sadness...and some fear. Not fear in what will come per se, but fear in how we will respond and stand up under the pain of watching and walking through our daughter's probable death. We have nothing in our life experience to compare that kind of pain to. I wish that we weren't afraid, but we are somewhat. We want to respond faithfully like Job, who in his moment of greatest pain, "fell to the ground in worship and said: 'Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.'" (Job 1:21). Please pray with us that the Lord would turn our sorrow into joy and turn our "mourning into dancing" (Psalm 30:11). And also pray that Jesus' "perfect love" would "drive out fear" in us (1 John 4:18).

We are tired, both physically and even moreso emotionally. It feels like we've been running a marathon, at times at a sprinter's pace. I've been told (will never personally experience) that the last few miles of a marathon are the hardest. When there seems to be nothing left in the tank, the runner makes the final push to the end. That's exactly how we feel. Except that it feels like the final few miles of this marathon are up a steep mountain. We know the summit of our pain and struggle is ahead of us. And we aren't anxious to run there, other than for the fact that we know that is when we can begin our descent. Please pray for our stamina, both physically and emotionally.

Let me end with something that happened on our vacation.

Our first day at Panama City Beach, the surf was VERY rough. Even for this East Coast guy, the waves were impressive. The kids couldn't wait and got in the water before the adults did. We gave our "non-swimmers" life jackets to wear, but did not to the other kids. Shortly after getting in the water, Corban, who is 5, drifted off a bit by himself away from the others. Tonya and I were talking on the shore when she noticed that he was out a bit too deep. I could see that he was panicking a bit, so I ran towards him. At this point he was about 40 yards away from me, and it took me probaly 15-20 seconds to run/swim to him By the time I reached him, he was bobbing up and down in water well above his head (about up to my chin). I grabbed hold of him and began to make my way back to the shore, only then realizing how strong the undertow was. I've been in the ocean hundreds of times in my life, and I don't ever remember being in an undertow this strong.

I started back with him and for about 30 seconds really thought I would not be able to get us both to shore. About that same time, Niyah and Amalyah drifted out to me since they were coming to see what was wrong with Corban. Then THEY got caught in the undertow. I managed to get enough footing to get the three of them out of there and back to shore. By the time it was over I was exhausted and emotionally shook up. The whole thing probably lasted a total of 3 or 4 minutes but it seemed like half an hour. It was a scary time for all of us. I really believe that if Tonya had noticed Corban even 30 seconds later than she did, I would not have been able to get him and he would have drowned.

That night I was praying and journaling and thanking the Father for His great mercy. For me it was a great tangible lesson that God is sovereign over life and death. He holds both in His Hands. He could have just as easily taken Corban from us that day, but He didn't. He could just as easily NOT take Anastasha from us in a few weeks, but He probably will. And in both situations He is perfectly just AND perfectly GOOD. He is a merciful, loving God who's way are above our ways. And we trust Him with everything we are.

Blessings to you all.

Craig and Tonya

Our Good Father (Day of Life 200)

2010-09-01T10:30:00.000-07:00

"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:9-11

When Tonya was told by our obstetrician almost exactly 3 months ago that our child in the womb had a fatal deformity, her response through her tears was simply, "God is good." That simple phrase has been our heart cry during these last three months. It sounds simple, but it is...SO...DARN...TRUE. Our God is a good Daddy, even when He strikes, it is in love. We believe that with all our heart. We agree with the psalmist who wrote, "You are good, and what you do is good" (Psalm 119:68).

We've taught the kids that the God they love is a good Daddy. Jesus mentions that His "Abba" (Aramaic loving term for "Daddy") is a Father who gives good gifts to those who ask Him. That can be distorted to mean that He gives us whatever we want if we ask Him. Any good Dad knows that ISN'T being a good Dad, quite the opposite actually. But, like a good earthly Dad, our Heavenly Father loves to give good gifts to His children, for our good and His.

I wanted to share one very personal and profound example of God being a good Daddy to us on this journey.

In previous emails I've mentioned a book that I read, I Will Carry You, by Angie Smith. She is a well known lady who is married to the lead singer of the Christian group Selah. Her journey of carrying and losing her daughter, Audrey, had many similarities to our journey. Her book really ministered to me.

After reading the book, I really wanted to ask her a question about something she wrote. I have read hundreds of books in my life and have never tried to contact an author after reading one. I'm not a celebrity chaser and try not to idolize people (okay, Tim Tebow and Danny Weurffel not withstanding...:)).

In my efforts to contact her, I found an email address on her blog. She had over 7,000 Google friends and lots of readers. In reading her blog I noticed that she just had a newborn AND had recently moved. As soon as I sent the email, I got an automated reply back stating that she received ALOT of emails and wouldn't be able to respond. I thought, "Oh well, it was worth a try. I guess this wasn't meant to be." Case closed. No one other than Tonya knew that I tried to get a hold of her. I was slightly disappointed, but life goes on. This was on a Saturday night.

On Sunday, one of my best friends, Jon Betts, called. He is a pediatrician in Nashville and a dear brother in Christ from medical school. It was shortly after Anastasha's diagnosis, so he was calling to check on me. I told him I was doing well and mentioned Angie's book that I just finished. He replied, "You mean the lady I met this week?". I was confused, so he explained.

Angie brought her newest daughter, Charlotte, in to see Jon in his clinic. He is not their regular pediatrician, but their's wasn't available. Jon didn't know who she was, but at the end of the visit Angie mentioned something about Audrey and how they had lost her. The news of our diagnosis was fresh in Jon's mind because he replied, "Yeah, we have some friends going through something similar right now." At that point, Angie said she wondered if we knew who she was or knew about her journey. Jon asked her if she was the wife of the lead singer of Selah, to which she replied that she was. Then Jon pulled up on his computer the email I sent where I shared her daughter's song ("I Will Carry You") just days before. They were both in awe of God's sovereignty.

Jon never solicited, but Angie told him to please give us her personal email address, and that she'd love to be able to answer any questions we have or be a help to us on our journey. He gave the email address to me. I've since emailed her several times back and forth and she had indeed been a blessing to me and Tonya.

I shared this story to show the power and lovingkindness of our God. I know it may not seem like a "healing the blind man" miracle, but it was miraculous nevertheless. For the first time in my life I tried to contact an author with a question that my heart wanted an answer to. My attempts failed, and I gave up. DAYS BEFORE I was even doing this, the Lord sent this ONE SAME PERSON to the office of one of my best friends in the world to bring her in contact with me. Isn't that incredible? Jon admits that he almost didn't mention anything about Anastasha to her. In fact, he's not even sure why he did. If he hadn't, he would have never even known who Angie was. I believe the Holy Spirit orchestrated EVERY DETAIL of that encounter. I believe God did that just to bless us like any good Daddy, and to build our faith at a time we needed it.

Maybe some of you can explain the whole thing away as coincidence. If you can, you have greater faith than I do. I think it is easier in this situation to believe in a God who knows the desires of our hearts and every hair on our heads. And to trust in a Daddy who loves to "give good gifts" to His children.

Craig and Tonya

Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
Psalm 34:8

A kiss from Anastasha's cute little lips

But Even If He Does Not...(Day of Life 192)

2010-08-24T10:28:00.000-07:00

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."
Daniel 3:16-18

I love this story from Scripture. You may remember that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up an idol to be worshiped by everyone in Babylon. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were faithful Jews, serving in his palace. Their faith and trust in Yahweh prevented them from worshiping a false God, even in the face of the penalty of death. I've read this story to the kids many times, always as a story of great faith and how to stand up for righteousness even in dire situations. But when I read it this time, something else stood out about it to me.

When they told King Nebuchadnezzar that their God would rescue them, they quickly followed up with "But even if He does not, we...will not serve your gods". This is profound to me. I really think that they truly believed that their God could rescue them from their danger and eminent death. But standing there next to the furnace, they also realized there was a really good chance that they wouldn't be delivered and would perish in flames. And they wanted the heathen king to know that even if they weren't saved, their God was still good and true and worthy of all of their worship. Beautiful faith...not presumption in what God was GOING to do, but what He COULD do. We know the rest of the story, God the Son shows up in the fire, delivers them miraculously, and the king made a decree in Babylon that they or anyone else could worship the God of Israel.

We feel the same way. Our "blazing furnace", anencephaly, isn't threatening our lives, but that of our daughter. And even though it doesn't threaten to kill the rest of us, it does threaten to consume us. We believe deeply that God CAN heal and deliver us FROM this. But we also know that even if He doesn't, He will deliver us THROUGH it. Either way, we expect our Jesus to be walking with us in the flames. But regardless of what He chooses, we trust that He is good and worthy of our praise and worship...NO MATTER WHAT.

We had a 4-D ultrasound last Friday. Tonya's parents got to meet their granddaughter via the computer. The whole thing was more emotional than I expected it to be. We've seen Anastasha countless times on the ultrasound at my hospital after hours for fun, but something was different about going to a medical facility and doing it "officially". Everyone there knew about Anastasha's condition and were wonderful. Tonya cried on my shoulder before laying down for the test. It was, as she described it to a friend, "beautiful and painful". I agree. It was beautiful to see her moving around, full of life. But it was painful to see in three dimensions the details of the malformation that will likely take her from us.

Please pray for us. We are going away for a little while. Tonya is about 30 weeks pregnant now and, like all her other pregnancies at this stage, is contracting regularly. I'd REALLY rather not deliver this little one myself, 2 months premature, in Alabama or Florida. Pray that her contractions would settle down please and that she would be more comfortable as she has been having some increased amounts of "normal" pain lately.

And pray that our faith and trust in the goodness and sovereignty of God would be increased in this situation. There are days when our faith seems smaller than a mustard seed.

Craig

Anastasha's sweet little left foot, leg, thigh and hiney

The List (Day of Life 183)

2010-08-15T10:24:00.000-07:00

Within a couple weeks of finding out that Anastasha had anencephaly, I read an awesome book called I Will Carry You, by Angie Smith. It is the story of her daughter Audrey, who, like Anastasha, was given a terminal prenatal diagnosis. Angie and her husband Todd chose to carry their daughter to term, as we did. Audrey was born and lived just over 2 hours. Todd is the lead singer of the Christian group, Selah. You may remember me sending the song (with the same title as the book) that they recorded for Audrey. Both the book and the song have ministered to Tonya and I deeply.

Angie mentioned something in the book that we thought was a great way to minister to her kids, and we decided to use it with our own. We told them that Anastasha will likely not be with us for very long or be able to grow up in our house like the other kids. Since the only time we will have with her is right now when she is in Tonya's womb, we asked them if there were any special things that they wanted to do with her before she was born. They came up with "Anastasha's List", a compilation of several things they want to do with their sister. I thought I'd share a sample.

Here are some of the things we have ALREADY DONE:

• Go to one of Charis' baseball games (we checked this one off the list dozens
of times, including the Texas state championship game)
• Go on a family bike ride (this was interesting. see picture below)
• Go to the movies (saw Toy Story 3 three times)
• Go to the chocolate factory
• Make family pizza
• Go on a waterslide (it was in our backyard, but it counts for us since we'd never get Mommy to a water theme park)
• Fly on an airplane
• Ride the glass elevator at Embassy Suites
• Go swimming (okay, so this was really Tonya jumping in a friend's pool to save Caius who dove in. I probably shouldn't mention that she went in, shoes, jeans and all.)

I wouldn't mess with this biker gang - all 9 kids!

Here are some of the things that the kids STILL WANT TO DO with Anastasha:

• Go to the zoo
• Go bowling
• Go on a carousel
• Go hiking at the state park
• Take pictures with her at the beach (we've done this we each of our infants)
• Color with her
• Read her a book
• Go to Six Flags and ride a roller coaster (probably not gonna swing that one)

One of the items on this list, flying in an airplane, is happening as I type this. Tonya is returning from her annual "girl's getaway" weekend with some of her best friends from residency (they always follow Beth Moore wherever she is speaking). She left early Thursday morning and returns late Sunday. I always tell her that it is one of my favorite weekends of the year (and not to take that personally). I get the kids, uninterrupted, for the whole weekend. It is VERY good for me, and a LOT of fun for the kids. We pitch a tent and "camp" all weekend (in the living room...it was 105 deg this weekend!). We ate junk food, went to Walmart and Sam's, got snow cones, and watched way more movies than we should have. We even went to Pukey-E-Cheese (uh...Chuck-E-Cheese) for a treat. I did manage to get the whole crew to and from church AND clean out Mommy's van. Lest I try to sound too like to much of a martyr, you realize the reason we did all of the above is because that is WAY EASIER than doing real life. Tonya rocks. I'm no competition.

This year, by mistake, the kids had their semi-annual dentist appointments while Mommy was gone. Not one or two of them, mind you, but SEVEN of them. So that was how we kicked off the weekend. We have a very accommodating dentist with great staff, so the visit went surprisingly smoothly. We pride ourselves on having great dental hygiene (I realize how ridiculous that is as I type it). In fact, with all the kids, we've only had ONE SINGLE CAVITY so far...ever, which I think is rather impressive. So here was the cavity count on Thursday.

Ariana - 0
Charis - 0
Adoniyah - 0
Amalyah - 0
Corban - 0
Caelan - 0
Cale - 9

That last number is NOT a typo (even thought 9 and 0 are next to each other on the keyboard). He didn't have one or two. He had NINE CAVITIES. Wow. Our little guy has something wrong with his enamel it appears. I think the Lord is humbling us for judging all of our friends/acquaintances over the years whose kids have tons of cavities and drink soda/tea/juice all the time. The metal mouth is coming soon. I thought you might get a chuckle out of that.

I gotta run. We need to clean the house (again) before Mom gets home!

Craig

PS. Thank you so much for all the responses to my last email. I looked up every Scripture reference that was shared. And I appreciated the thoughts on anger. It is pretty amazing what a wide variety of responses there were among Christians on that one. But I appreciate them all. Please, if you feel like the Lord leads you to a portion of Scripture that would help us on the journey, share it with us.

My little campers (and, yes, that is hard wood under the tent and not grass)

The Work of God (Day of Life 177)

2010-08-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

One of the graces that I've enjoyed in the last two and a half months has been time spent teaching the children from God's Word. I've asked the Lord to direct me to passages that will speak to their hearts, especially in regards to Anastasha.

A few nights ago we found ourselves in the ninth chapter of the Gospel of John. It’s a story that many of you know well. Probably the most well known healing in all of Scripture, the blind man.

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. John 9:1-3

We discussed the fact that in Jesus' time many people viewed illness as directly correlated to sin or judgment from God. Jesus refuted this idea, instead stating that God intended this man's life long illness, in this case blindness, to occur in order to display "the work of God" in his life.

We all know what happens next. Jesus spits on the ground (my little boys love the fact that Jesus spits), makes mud, and rubs it on the man's eyes. After the man washes, he instantly sees. The man then gives glory to God.

We talked about Anastasha. We talked about the fact that she will be blind too. We discussed the fact that her anencephaly is NOT an accident. God intended it that the work of God might be displayed in her and our lives. This may be by healing, but likely won't be. Instead, God's glory may be revealed in another way.

The account in John continues...

Jesus heard that they had thrown him out, and when he found him, he said, "Do you believe in the Son of Man?"
"Who is he, sir?" the man asked. "Tell me so that I may believe in him."
Jesus said, "You have now seen him; in fact, he is the one speaking with you."
Then the man said, "Lord, I believe," and he worshiped him. John 9: 35-38

I believe that the "work of God" that Jesus spoke about was not just the healing, but the fact that his healing lead to WORSHIP. In regards to Anastasha, we of course desire her healing. But even more so, we desire that the result of her life will be to produce greater worship of God in our lives and others.

"So...Ariana, Charis, Niyah, and Amalyah, who sinned, Anastasha or her parents, that she has anencephaly?"

"Neither Anastasha nor Mommy or Daddy sinned. But this happened so that the work of God will be revealed in her life (and ours)."

Exactly.

Craig and Tonya

PS. Please pray for one of my older children who is really struggling with anger. I know this is a "natural" response to something this heavy, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I don't struggle with anger towards God, and I'm thankful for that, but I really don't know how to shepherd this child through this struggle. I can deal with sadness, fear, even despair. But anger is a tough one that, quite frankly, scares me.

PSS. If any of you have any portions of Scripture that you think might be an encouragement for us as a family, PLEASE send them to us. God's Word has been our greatest source of day-to-day strength and joy.

The kids blessing Anastasha at bedtime

Brokenness (Day of Life 170)

2010-08-02T10:06:00.000-07:00

One thing that has surprised Tonya and I as we’ve walked through our grief during the last 2 months is how easily others are willing to share their own sorrows with us. Many people we know (friends, patients) and many total strangers seem very comfortable pouring out their pains to us in all kinds of settings (doctor's office, grocery store, ball field).

We’ve heard story after story of women losing children, mostly through miscarriage, but sometimes older children too. I (Craig) have been struck by how painful a loss this can be, even decades later, having listened to patients recalling stillbirths from thirty or more years ago that they still remember daily. This is especially surprising in light of the fact that I think the general population doesn’t regard the pain of miscarriage to be very great. Many view it as something that a lot of women experience and, therefore, just a part of womanhood. It has challenged me to treat miscarriage as a very serious loss, even of those children that are too early to be seen or felt by the mommy.

I've probably had more real, deep ministry with patients in the last two months than I've had in the last two years combined.

Uh oh, I feel a sermon coming… :)

I think that the reason our journey with Anastasha has lead to so many people sharing their pain with us is because of our brokenness. We’re broken. There’s no hiding that. People see it in us, and I think are attracted to it because they are also broken. And guess what?

So are you.

Some of you know that all too well. You don’t need me to remind you that you are broken. You don’t hide the fact, and others know it too. I encourage you that this is a healthy place to be, because that is your true condition.

There are others of you that disagree. You’ve got it all together, or so you think. You don’t need God or anyone else. Maybe you aren’t walking through deep places of pain at the moment (although someday you will), and things seem to be going your way. I think this is a dangerous place to be, one that may ultimately lead to your destruction, both now and in the life to come.

But I suspect most of you are somewhere between the two. You know deep down that you are broken. You feel like a failure or maybe a hypocrite. Your marriage stinks; your job stinks; you're a lousy parent or friend. You think if anyone knew the true "you", they wouldn’t love you or even like you. So you hide it…from others, from God, and maybe from yourself. You might be using your money, your career, your family, your possessions, or even your religiosity as a guise.

My encouragement to you is to STOP. Stop living a lie. Stop pretending. See yourself for the condition you are really in – broken and in need of “fixin” (as any good Texan would say). It's okay to let others see it too. Then and ONLY then can you allow the Healer to fix your brokenness. Run to Him, as we have.

"The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18

The fact that many don’t believe or acknowledge that fact is really the foundation of pride. We pretend. We act like we have it all together. We work harder when the going gets tough. And when we hurt or screw up, nobody knows except us.

But your Father does.

Believe it or not, I firmly believe that the Lord LOVES our brokenness. I think He even DESIRES it. And that is because it is only in that place where we see our great need for Him. If we don’t know we are broken, we don’t acknowledge our need for help.

"A man's pride brings him low, but a man of lowly spirit gains honor." Proverbs 16:18

The gospel (the word literally means “good news”) is that there is a Fixer named Jesus. I need Him desperately. My whole family needs Him desperately. And so do you. And not just to fix our hurts and pains that come from this life, but to save us from Hell. Only He can do that. He's always loved messed up people. Even a cursory look through Scripture demonstrates that - swindlers, prostitutes, sailors, adulterers, liars - these were the people He chose to hang out with and change the world forever through. And the sooner you and I admit that we don’t have it all together, the sooner He can bring you and I to wholeness.

Brokenness is an awesome and terrible place to be. Terrible because it usually comes only through trials and pain. Awesome because it is probably the only time we are viewing ourselves and God in the right perspective. We remember all too well feeling this way almost a decade ago when Ariana had leukemia. Being broken was beautiful to us then, and it is again now. I only wish it didn't take earthly tragedy to lead us here again. One of my prayers is that we will be "given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal bodies." (2 Cor 4:11) - that as we die to ourselves, Christ would be glorified in us. And we pray for each of you that you would acknowledge the true state of your condition and come to know the Savior intimately as you put your trust and hope in Him.

Craig and Tonya

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O
God, you will not despise.
Psalm 51:17

Father's Day 2010 (Anastasha’s the round one in the middle)

The Constant Reminders of Life (Day of Life 159)

2010-07-25T10:02:00.000-07:00

Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
Psalm 63:3-4

Loved ones,

These days Tonya and I frequently find ourselves doing things we never wanted to do – namely, working on details of Anastasha’s funeral and burial. We are trying to get as much done as early as possible, so that we can spend our mental and spiritual energy on loving Jesus, loving one another (although we seem to fail miserably at this so often), loving the kids and loving Anastasha. But there are simply some practical things that need to be done, and are much better accomplished now instead of during the more difficult days ahead.

Twice in the past couple of weeks something happened that stopped us in our tracks.

The first time was when we had just left the headstone store (they call them “monuments”). We drove to the cemetery to try to find a plot and to look at some old headstones that we liked. We were fully engrossed in things like the shape, size, stone type of the headstones…err…monuments. And focused on the location of a burial plot – under a tree, far away from “gaudy” monuments, etc.

The second time occurred a few days later when Tonya and I were standing over our oldest son, watching him sand the wood that will be used to build our youngest daughter’s casket.

Both times, Anastasha chimed in.

She began vigorously kicking Tonya from within, as she has done so many times before, as a constant reminder of her LIFE. But to do it now, while we were picking her grave and building her casket, made it feel…well, wrong. Not that we SHOULDN’T BE doing it, like it was a wrongful act. But like we SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE doing it.

Here we were, walking headfirst into our pain, telling “death” that we will not fear Him and that Christ will be victorious in us. And there she was, telling us, “I’m still here…fully alive.” For me, it was a great reminder for us to not focus so much on the death that is coming, but to embrace the life that we have right now. Especially since we don’t know how much longer we’ll have her.

We feel blessed in some ways that we know ahead of time what is probably coming (I say "probably" because we know that God can still show Himself to be mighty through healing her). We’ve seen several friends lose children unexpectedly. In a flash, they’re gone with no time to prepare. The shock and pain is indescribable. But the foreknowledge of Anastasha's likely death is also very difficult in other ways. Most days around our house are pretty “normal”. But deep down Tonya and I both know that hell is coming. I can’t really explain what this is like. I have no reference point for it. Tremendous joy today knowing that terrible pain is coming tomorrow. We don’t want to drown in the pain before it comes, but tasting the grief early is unavoidable, at times consuming the joy of today.

Incidentally, her casket is coming along well (Charis and our friend are making it to look like a cradle), and I think we know what we want her headstone to look like. And both of these things make me want to vomit.

Grace for each day, Father. That’s what You promise us.

Craig and Tonya

PS. A well known physician, author, and friend of mine, Dr. Walt Larimore, has been posting my emails on his blog. You can see the most recent ones here:

Good shot of Anastasha's arms, legs, and face (kinda curled up in a ball)

What is Life? (Day of Life 149)

2010-07-15T09:59:00.000-07:00

Viability.

This week Anastasha is 24 weeks old in Tonya’s womb. This is (roughly) considered the time when a baby’s lungs are at the minimum maturity for her life to be sustained outside the womb. Anytime before 22/23 weeks is considered incompatible with survival if an infant is born. In medicine, we call milestone this "viability".

It may seem arbitrary, but this is when many people, including many ethicists and physicians, consider an unborn child a "person". To kill a baby before this time, many argue, is morally acceptable because it could not otherwise survive. To do it after this point is morally objectionable because he or she could live. Does this seem subjective to you? It should because it is.

This is despite the fact that the baby’s heart has been beating for 4 months, she has fingernails and toenails, feels and withdraws from pain, can suck her thumb, hear noises, and even hiccup. Sound alive? Yeah, she does to me too.

A very important and related question is this - "When is an unborn child truly human or alive?" Or, another way, "What makes a child’s (or man’s) life have value?"

If not mature lungs, how about when the heart starts beating? Anastasha's heart has been beating since 25 days post conception. This is about the time most women realize they are pregnant. Is a beating heart what gives life?

If not the heart, how about brain activity? This higher level thinking is one thing that separates us from animals. Maybe this is what gives a child or man his/her worth. Anastasha doesn't have higher brain activity. So is she "dead" for all intents and purposes? If it is higher level thinking, then what about someone who is severely mentally retarded? Or someone in a coma? Or an eighty year old man in a nursing home with end stage Alzheimer’s disease. Are they alive? Do their lives have value?

What about the ability to love? This is obviously a progressive thing. Newborns certainly can't. And children learn this over time. And some people chose to never love.

What about the first breath? This is when children begin to have protection under the law and are considered citizens. Killing them in the womb is legal, even at term in many states, up to this point. But once the first breath is taken, they are considered a human being, and killing them is murder. So is inhaling oxygen for the first time what makes us human?

As you can see, there are many different answers that many people consider. And these principles don’t just apply to babies. They apply to the elderly, those in comas, and those who are severely mentally handicapped.

My point is that these are all arbitrary, man-made attempts at defining something endowed to us by our Creator – life. He made it, so He defines it. Not us. And what is His definition of when Anastasha’s, and every other child ever created, life began?

From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother's womb you have been my God. Psalm 22:10

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13-14

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart. Jeremiah 1:5

Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Psalm 51:5

When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. Luke 1:41 (John the Baptist responding while in the womb to Jesus in Mary’s womb, shortly after Jesus was conceived)

I think there is only one consistent answer in this world with so many subjective, seemingly arbitrary alternatives. We are FULLY HUMAN and ALIVE, at the moment of conception when our Creator endows us with an eternal soul. I think this is really the only Biblical answer to the question.

I agree that a two week old, microscopic baby that is known only by the faint "positive" line on the pregnancy test doesn't "feel" as human or alive as a baby in our arms after birth, but I believe that he or she is. The difference is really only in our subjective experience of the child at that point. This experience changes radically over time, but our perception of how much we love the child DOES NOT CHANGE HIS OR HER INATE WORTH. Just as the fact that a child in one family is unloved by his/her parents doesn't make him or her any less valuable than one who is deeply loved by other parents.

So what changes from that time when a baby is conceived to when he or she is born? Our experience of loving him or her changes. Just as it changes from when they are a helpless infant to when they are an older child who can relate and reciprocate love. Over time our love naturally deepens and the character of that love changes. But does the value of person we love change? Is their worth greater because we love them more or differently? No, it isn’t. I believe that we wrongly interpret that deepening love as defining a greater worth on the life we are loving. But it is all subjective, based on our experiences or emotions. I believe this is NOT God the Father's perspective.

So are babies that are miscarried early in pregnancy of the same worth, in God’s eyes, as a life lived fully for Him for 80 or 90 years?

Yes.

Is a mentally retarded child’s life of the same worth in God’s eyes as that of Albert Einstein?

Yes.

Is a person in a vegetative state (like a coma) for months or years have the same worth to the Father as the President of the United States?

Yes.

Does Anastasha, although she will probably never ride a bike, speak a word, hold our hand, think a thought, or love in this world have the same worth to God Almighty as my life or Tonya’s or any of our children’s lives?

Yes indeed.

Our value isn’t based on what we do, but rather who we are and by Whom we were created. Just like a painting by Picasso isn’t valued by what it does (nothing) or how beautiful it is (let's be honest), but is valued because of who the artist is. Our Artist, God Almighty, puts His signature in our souls. And because of that, we are each worth more than all the riches in the world.

Even Anastasha. Especially Anastasha.

So when many of you wonder why (few have asked us directly) we are carrying Anastasha to term rather than ending her life now, this is the reason. The truth is that her life is just as valuable as that of all of our other children, or my life or yours. She is right now FULLY HUMAN and ALIVE. She is created in the image of God Almighty. And she is our daughter. Will she live when she is born? Most probably not. But that does not, IN ANY WAY, change who she is right now. We feel no more like we have the right to kill her than we have the right to kill Charis or Ariana. I know that is a terrible mental image, but the repulsiveness of it is the same in our mind as aborting Anastasha.

Heavy duty stuff, I know. But we believe it to be God's perspective and, as such, to be true. We are challenged to love Anastasha deeply despite the fact that she will never love us back on this earth. And maybe many of you will be challenged to see ALL LIFE as created by God, for both His temporal and eternal purposes, and NOT ONE of those lives as being more valuable than another. And NOT ONE of those lives is a mistake.

Not ever.

Bless you all.

Craig and Tonya

Anastasha crossing her ankles like the lady that she is

One Month Later (Day of Life 131)

2010-06-27T09:57:00.000-07:00

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:21-23

Loved ones,

It has been one month exactly since we found out that Anastasha has anencephaly. This has been a hard month, probably only second in difficulty to the month that Ariana was diagnosed with leukemia back in 2001. We’ve walked through the initial shock and terror where things felt more like a dream than reality. Now we’re moving into a place of acceptance and greater peace, despite the continued pain.

We are exactly halfway to Tonya's due date (20 weeks). Anastasha is about 6 inches long and weighs 6 ounces. She is already developing fingerprints and toeprints. She can blink and has a complete circulatory system. With the exception of her brain, all of her parts are fully formed and appear perfect.

Even though we are halfway through the pregnancy, there is no guarantee on how long we will have Anastasha. She could die in the womb at any time. She could be born very preterm. She could survive until term but die during the delivery. Or she could survive the birth process and live for some (way too short) period of time. We don’t know. We so deeply desire that Tonya will carry her until term and that we will get to hold her alive in our arms. But that is not promised to us. We just have today. And we do trust that her loving Father, Who created her, knows when her last heartbeat will be, whether in the womb or in our arms. And we know that He is good and will give us grace to endure the pain of her loss whenever and however it comes.

For now though, we are rejoicing in Anastasha’s life. It is of great worth, to us and to God. We’ve seen her several times on ultrasound. She is active and beautiful. We got a great picture of her hand with her index finger pointing the last time we did an ultrasound (attached below). We think she was reminding us to “look up”, which we’ve been doing a lot these days.

Father's Day last weekend was bittersweet. I always love that special day with the children, and this year was no exception. I got my 2010 addition of the "handprint shirt", which I always look forward to. But it was hard knowing that this was the only Father's Day that Anastasha would be here with us. I spent extra time in bed that night snuggling up with Tonya's belly, talking to my daughter and telling her how much I love her and how thankful I am for her life.

We are beginning to plan Anastasha’s funeral. It has been surreal at times and at other times nauseatingly painful. We are going to do many things non-traditionally and will try to include the kids in many aspects. As of now, Ariana (10) is probably making the burial gown, and Charis (9) and a good friend will be making the casket. That may sound a bit morbid, but we think it is good for them to give of themselves to their sister, and we hope it will aid in their own grieving.

The kids are doing well, we think. We talk about Anastasha constantly. It’s hard not to since Tonya and my thoughts are consumed by her. The kids bless their sister and sing “Jesus Loves Me” to Tonya’s belly before bed each night. We’ve had some heart-to-heart talks with the older kids, and they’ve shared their hurt, disappointment, fear and frustration.

Many of you have been praying for Anastasha’s healing. We welcome this. We’ve prayed for this and so have the kids. We know the Lord can do ANYTHING, including grow a brain for our daughter. But we don’t expect that He will. The Lord chooses when and how to perform miracles. But they seem to be the great exception, not the rule. We just make our requests known and let Him decide how to answer. Many of you may disagree with us theologically, and that’s okay. We’re not just guarding our hearts against disappointment. No one would rejoice more than Tonya and I if the Lord chose to heal her. But please know that our biggest desire is not for her earthly healing, but that the greatness of the Lord would be MAGNIFIED in Anastasha's life – whether in life or in death. May His glory shine through her for the world to see, whether it be for 80 seconds or 80 years. This is the prayer for all of our children, incidentally.

We want to thank so many of you who have supported us, mostly from a distance, with kind words of love and support. And also thank you to those of you who have been near to us and have supported us tangibly or with an embrace or tears. Romans 12:5 says “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn”. We are doing both, and so have many of you. Please know that this ministers to us deeply, probably more than anything else.

May the Father's tender mercies, which are new every morning, be with each of you.

Craig and Tonya (and the rest of the DeLisi crew)

Anastasha pointing upwards reminding us where our hope comes from

Introducing Anastasha

2010-06-10T09:33:00.000-07:00

For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Psalm 139:13-14

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
Before you were born, I set you apart.
Jeremiah 1:5

Loved ones,

We are proud to introduce to you the newest member of the DeLisi family, our daughter, Anastasha (an-na-STAH-shuh). It is a Greek name that means “resurrection”.

Many of you didn’t even know we were pregnant. Anastasha hasn’t been born yet. She is nearly 5 months (19 weeks) gestation in Tonya’s womb. The reason that we are introducing her to you all so soon is because the day she is born is also likely the day she will go home to be with Jesus.

We found out two weeks ago that our baby has a birth defect called anencephaly. It is a serious malformation of her brain and, unfortunately, is incompatible with life outside the womb. As long as Anastasha is in Tonya’s womb, she is thriving, healthy and active. We’ve seen her several times on ultrasound. She is moving constantly and her heart is beating. Assuming the pregnancy goes as expected, she will be born in October. But barring a miracle, she will likely die during or shortly after birth.

Anencephaly occurs in roughly 1 in 10,000 live births. It wasn’t caused by anything Tonya did or neglected to do. It has nothing to do with her age, her thyroid, or the fact that this is her 9th pregnancy. For those of you who want to read and understand more about it, there is a great website that answers questions and even shares stories of some of the families who have given birth to babies with anencephaly.

Our hearts are heavy, and we are grieving for the life that will not be lived and the hopes we had that will be unfulfilled. Be we are determined along this journey to praise our Father through this storm. We know He created her and loves her. And in the same way, we love her. She is our child and feels as precious to us as any of our previous children. Her value to us isn’t because of what she will become, but because of the fact that the Creator of the Universe loves her and called her by name. She is an image bearer of God Almighty. Her life, however brief on this earth, has great worth in His eyes and in ours.

Some of you may be wondering if the baby is going to die shortly after birth regardless, then why don’t we just deliver her now (have an abortion) instead of waiting the entire pregnancy. The simple answer is because we believe that God created this life, and it is not our choice to end it. He gives life and takes away. It is no more our choice to end it than it would be for us to decide to prematurely end the life of one of our living children. The other reason is because this is the only time we get with Anastasha, while she is in the womb. As a family we want to cherish every kick, every heartbeat, every movement we see on ultrasound since we will unlikely have many, if any, of those things once she is born. Her life as part of our family will be brief, but we wouldn’t trade any of it to shorten the pain that is coming. We couldn’t even imagine such a thing.

“Is she even alive?” you may be wondering. Yes, she is. She is the most active child we’ve had at this stage in the pregnancy. In fact, Tonya felt her in the womb earlier than the previous 8. Her heart is beating. And even more important than that, she has been endowed with an eternal soul by God, which means she is not only “alive” right now, but will truly “live” forever when her life here ends. She was created, like all of us, to glorify God now and in eternity. And we believe she will do both.

We feel privileged that God called us to be Anastasha’s parents. We know He has good things in store for her life, as well as for ours because of her. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

We are not angry. Like nearly a decade ago when Ariana had leukemia, we do not question God’s purposes in all of this. “Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" Job 2: 10. But make no mistake, we don’t want to be here. Neither of us feels like we have the strength, physically or emotionally, to get through this. We would gladly let this cup pass from us if He would allow. But at least for now, it appears He wants us to drink of it. The Lord has been gracious to deliver us FROM great trials in our lives (Ariana surviving cancer, Tonya’s thyroid mass being non-cancerous last August). But He also sometimes delivers us THROUGH great trials. And if He has chosen for us to walk down this path, we are confident that He will walk with us and sustain us.

Please pray for us in the days and weeks ahead. It has been a very difficult last two weeks, and we know that as the time nears for her birth and death, it will become much harder and more painful. Pray that our faith would be strengthened. Pray that we would never doubt the goodness and perfect Love of our Father, who is a good Daddy. You are good, and what you do is good. Psalm 119:68. Pray for our physical stamina, especially Tonya's. And pray that we would fix our eyes on Jesus and spend more time learning and growing in our love for Him as opposed to drowning in the difficulty of our suffering.

Pray for the children. Pray that their formative minds and hearts would not doubt the goodness of their Heavenly Father. Pray that they wouldn’t be angry with God if He chooses not to affirmatively answer their fervent prayers for healing. Pray against fear. The oldest four children took the news very hard. Pray that the Lord gives Tonya and I grace to shepherd them on this journey in a way that both acknowledges their honest feelings, and also points them to Jesus.

Please pray for those whose lives will be touched through Anastasha’s life. Pray that they would see the goodness and love of God in the face of hardship. Pray that others will be challenged to see her life the way we do and the way we believe the Lord does – as one of immeasurable worth and value, not because we love her or because of what she will ever BE or DO, but simply because the One who created her and loves her endowed her with such worth.

Finally, pray that Christ would be glorified in us and through all of this. We know that our brokenness produces a sweet dependence on the Lord. It is the Father’s design that trials and afflictions would lead us to rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead (2 Corinthians 1:9). Pray that the Lord does a good, everlasting work in Tonya’s and my life. We desire above all else that He be glorified.

Thank you for your love. We wanted each of you to be part of our daughter’s life from very early on. I know many of you will want to help in tangible ways. Mostly right now we just want you to pray for us as we press in to Jesus and to one another. You are welcome to share with others to pray for us as well. As time gets nearer to the end of the pregnancy, we may call on some of you for practical help.

May our Lord, who is a good Daddy, bless each of you. We love you.

Craig and Tonya

Anastasha's sweet little foot with 5 toes

In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears. He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me.
Psalm 18:6,19

Sing to the Lord, you saints of His;
Praise His holy name.
For His anger lasts only a moment,
But His favor lasts a lifetime;
Weeping may remain for a night,
But rejoicing comes in the morning.
Psalm 30:4-5

PS. Here is a perspective of a family who had a son with anencephaly that ministered to Tonya and me.

Chase's Story

PPS. We’re sending another email with a song attached that has blessed us these past few weeks. It is a Casting Crown song from a few years back. It reflects the desires of our heart.